Heart breaking truth Part 1

I've decided to pick up my blog again and share more thoughts on adoption.  Not sure how consistent this will be, but I will try.  It looks like there is a part 2, to Tess's story, so we'll have to check in on that later. 

Today I want to start to share my latest experience with adoption.  I was sitting on my couch reading a book, while Kya sat on my computer working on one of her "books".  She loves to read and create stories of her own.  Zander sat on his knees, leaning up against the coffee table composing his latest work of art, the next Picasso or Van Gough lives in my house.  I was distracted from my reading when my phone text chimed.  I looked down to see a number I didn't recognize, but being a business owner, I will rarely ignore a text.  Carefully picking up the phone to see what this stranger had to say, all that it said was, "Hi".  Ok, who is prank texting me, and who got this number.  I've received odd texts like this before, and have had some interesting conversations with "text pals" who were reaching out to friends or family who used to have my current number.  Reluctantly, I replied with a simple and innocent "Hi".  Just seconds later two texts rang through.  "Sorry to text just want help" "Want a family for my babies".  What?  Who is this, and how did you get my number?  I was a little taken back, considering we have been "trying to adopt" since my son was 2, now 7.

We have been through 2 scams and 3 legit birthmoms who ultimately went a different direction, not to mention the short lived relationships with birthmoms we've had entailing a quick inquiry email or contact and then no further correspondence.  The beauty of adoption for birthmothers is they have so many options when it comes to the decisions they make in the best interest of their sweet angels.  On the flip side, they have a lot of options, and choosing the right one, is no easy task.  As an adoptive mom, I don't know exactly what birthmoms go through during this process, but I have many dear birthmother friends and two birthmoms of my own to get an idea if not empathize with them regarding their decisions and the whys. 

So, who was this, how did they get my number and was this a prank, or mistake.  I'm not usually paranoid, but when my heart is in play, I can be skeptical.  My response, "Wow, thank you for considering us.  How did you get my number?"
"Adoption"
"Ok, you found us on adoption.com?" 
Phew, that makes sense, we are on parentprofiles.com through adoption.com.  Although, this is our first contact through there in a year.  Moving forward cautiously I asked, "What do you mean, 'a family for babies?"
"I pregnant"
"Are you looking at other families?"
"Yes, but none want twins"
"Oh, wow, you're having twins"
"Ya, girls"
"That's exciting.  What is your name?"
"Name Madeline (name changed)"
"Cool"
"Ya"
"Tell me about yourself"

Maddie proceeds to tell me that she is 24, no job, has an older sister, boyfriend that is controlling and no job either.  We continued with small talk for the remainder of the evening.  She said she miscarried last May and doesn't want her parents involved because they will kick her out if she "gets pregnant again".  Her English seemed very broken to me, and as I have received texts from other birthmothers internationally, I was curious where she was from, so I asked.  When it comes to open adoption, in our family, we feel it is very important to communicate honestly from day1. 
"Your English seems a little broken, are you from another country?"
"No, Ohio"
"Oh ok, just wondered, I'm sorry if I offended you with my question?"
"No, learning disability"
"Ok, I understand"

We continued to get to know each other via texting.  My curiosity spikes and my hands start to shake, as my heart is racing.  Tears even begin to form in my eyes with the idea that this may be real, we could possibly be looking forward to twin girls.  Wow!  Its true what they say, life happens when you've stopped living it....or something like that.  Not that I have given up, but "the waiting game" in adoption is tough and if you occupy your days, hours and minutes with worrying or checking profiles and emails constantly, time will slow down to a slugs pace.  I literally have "gone insane" during the wait. 

In the spring of 2013, I had to step back and take a little mini vacation from our adoption journey.  All my energy and attention was in our search for our next baby.  I recall one time when I was curled up on my bed, trying to hide under the covers, from the world, from my life and even my children.  Only to find myself pulling out the computer to check my emails, in hopes of a birthmother contact, then I went to our profile, skimming over the "statistics" page.  How many views had we had that day, what pages did they visit, and how long were they on our profile?  These actions consumed my days.  My poor children were not getting the mother they deserved.  As I set my computer down, in a moment of weakness and pure heartbreak because no one viewed the page that day, nor were there any emails from birthmoms. I started to bawl.  Crocodile tears ran down my face and I heard my children playing in the next room.  Its as if a lighting bolt struck and I thought, "I don't want my children to grow up thinking, 'all mom ever cared about was another baby, she didn't care about us'"  This tore through my heart like a searing hot knife cutting a plastic bottle in half with ease.  This was an wake up call moment for me.  That night, I told my husband I needed a brake.  I needed time away from adoption.  My kids needed and deserved their mother and her love and attention.  They are growing up fast and I didn't want to miss another minute of this. 

But was this finally it, were we finally finding our children to complete our family?  The story goes on, another day.