Part 3...and the story continues. Part 4 very shortly behind.

I feel a little bad.  My initial intention was not for this story to be a cliffhanger.  However, it's a bit of a story and I knew I wouldn't be able to write it all in one night, so I had to break it up.  So I apologize for making everyone wait for the truth of the story.  And unfortunately I don't have a baby in my arm ending of the story.  It's simply a life lesson, and education opportunity of the reality of the roller coaster ride called, "Adoption".  Seriously, I should design an amusement ride that takes one through the peaks and valleys of adoption.  What a ride that could be!

Well, Maddie and I were connected every day for over a week, usually with a simple "Hi" in the morning, that followed with the activities of our days.  Maddie was needing someone to talk to, she needed love and attention.  We even had a great FaceTime conversation.  The majority of the call was  small talk and me looking up her nose.  She was watching a movie during our call and I think she must have forgotten that she was on FaceTime.

I was still very concerned with many "red flags", namely her constant comments regarding drinking, "Why is it bad", "Life is hard and it helps", "I don't drink very often".  Then to her desperate cry for help when she would talk about her boyfriend's controlling behaviors, punching her in the stomach when she told him she was pregnant, or him "ripping up the ultrasound".  I found this out when I asked to see it and see the babies, where in the back of my mind, it was my first attempt to get "proof of pregnancy".  This is important in the very early stages of any adoption story.  In the past we had either met with birth moms face to face and could clearly see their cute baby bumps, or were corresponding with agencies that could confirm this information for us.  Family, case workers, doctors, attorneys; these were all our ways of confirming the pregnancy before.  With Maddie, it was pulling teeth trying to get proof.  She did send me a picture of herself, but I really couldn't see a baby bump.  No worries, she would get to the doctor again and I would get my confirmation.

The days went on and she was very persistent with the need to know our answer as to whether or not we would adopt the twins.  With so many concerns and uncertainties still out there, we still hadn't received our answer.  This is so difficult for me at times.

With Kya's adoption, I spent countless nights praying to my Father in Heaven.  I may have even begged a little.  "Please let whatever birthmother that finds us, be unique to us.  I pray that our 'story' will be so special to us that we will just know".  My prayer was answered, the words that came out of grandma's (Jerica's mom) mouth were the answer to my prayers.  "This baby was grown in Hawaii".  Jaw dropping moment for me.  I was born in Hawaii.  That was my baby, without a doubt, I felt it, I knew.  My heart pounded and joy filled my soul in that very moment.  Even through the tough times before Kya's birth....I still knew.  With Zander, we had a similar experience.  If you've already read it, I apologize for the repeat, but it applies here.  I was awakened in the middle of the night with a potty training little girl.  Once she was back in bed and sound asleep (I love to watch my kids sleep sometimes) I lay wide awake in my bed with the nagging thought that I needed to update my family blog, the blog we shared with birthfamilies in our profile of our little family.  Updating my blogs seem to be a repeat offense for me.  Well, we had recently moved, were in the middle of our first house complete remodel and I had neglected to post in a while.  I couldn't sleep until I posted something.  The next day, Tess found us.  She had prayed the day before for us to post so she could get her answer.  That night, the Lord woke me up and told me to get her an answer.  I knew that was my baby.

Didn't we deserve to know about these little baby girl twins the same way?  This is what Carl believes.  I often question, "do we need to just have faith and jump in with both feet, He will answer us later?"  Faith, that's what it was going to take, we just needed A LOT of faith.  Why did I still feel numb and why hadn't we gotten our answer yet.  It seemed so easy before.  Ever since Zander's story, we have struggled with the answer.  Which then leaves me to believe I may not be a mother again in this life.  This thought hurts, it truly brings pain to my heart of the idea I may be done.  I just can't bring myself to say it, "I'm done".  Is a mother ever really done?  Even though her family feels complete, can a mother honestly say they are done?  I may stand alone in this thought, and that is ok with me, but it's a battle I fight everyday.

Maddie.