Part 4

Maddie asked constantly, about every half hour, if we had gotten our answer.  Finally on day 4, I responded with this.  "We would love to move forward with you, get to know you and look into this adoption", sounds promising right?
  "So you want my babies, then?"
 "We would love them, can you get us some information and let's definitely stay in touch"
"Yea"
"Did you get your answer from God?"
"No, but we are moving forward with faith"
"Yea"

This is where my desperate attempts to find her a support system and proof of pregnancy came into play.  I called counselors in her area, my own counselor locally, my adoption attorney and even bishops near her.  She agreed to work with a counselor, but not an agency.  I sent her the 13 page medical and social questionnaire, that she would eventually have to fill out for the completion of a legal adoption.  Birthdad would have to do the same eventually.  We needed to get the ball rolling and get information from her to be able to proceed forward. 

By day 5, we still had not received any information from her including confirmation of pregnancy.  I asked her when her next doctor's appt was and she told me in two weeks.  Awesome, we can spend the time to continue to develop our own relationship.  Unfortunately she was becoming more and more resistant to getting support and was focusing more on her own needs for attention.  She had requested to contact one of our birthmoms on day 1, so she could get to know us through their eyes.  I was able to get a hold of Jerica and she was more than willing to chat with Maddie.  She wanted to know how long it took for us to know if Kya was our baby.  "Why does she want to meet my parents?"  "Why is it taking so long for them to know?"  "How long did it take them to answer you?"  "Why do my parents need to be involved" and so on.  Tuesday, day 5, started off rough with a lot of resistance from her and the need of certainty for us.  She contacted Jerica that "we were adopting the babies", after I told her we were moving forward.  And Jerica heard very quickly that, "we got in a fight today", when she would not allow me to meet her parents.  Or got upset because I encouraged her to stop drinking when she asked me what she should do, and then advised she drink water or juice.

Then, my world got dark, I felt myself falling, fast and hard.  She informed me that the babies had not moved in a while.  "What should I do?"  Call the doctor, drink some water, you could be dehydrated.  A call was made to the doctors, the uncertain decision to go to the hospital, finding a ride from a friend to take her (her car is broken) and her arrival and blood pressure were obtained...all within a matter of about 10 minutes.  Wow, that was fast!  I continued to correspond with her and even requested to chat with her on the phone, maybe even chat with the nurses, with her consent.  We were needing to get some clarity and now that there was a threat of "miscarriage", we really needed some answers. 

By the time she had been to the hospital and home in a very short time, after a whole day of non-stop conversation, I was tired, it was late and my eyes were nearly swollen shut with tears.  My head was pounding and spinning and my heart was physically hurting.  Carl was trying his best to console me and help me understand things as best he could.  Why can't I just know for sure what it is I am supposed to do?  If not more children, then what?  I know I have so much to give, where else can I?   Are these babies mine?  Are there really babies there?  Why won't she cooperate?  Why won't she allow her parents to support her?  Why was I so lost and so numb?  Why, why, why?  So many unanswered questions.  I couldn't do it anymore, so I put my phone down and tried to ignore her constant texting.

"Why do you want to talk to doctor, they busy"
"Besides, I would have to tell them about you" This after already agreeing to sign a release of information form.
"Besides, I tired and want to go to bed"
"You right, I dehydrated, just want to go to bed"
"I hate water, I don't like drinking that"
"Jerica, did Paula talked to your doctor?"
"Were they ok with that?"


Finally, I texted and said, "ok, goodnight"

"Do you still want babies?"

What was she doing to me?  Did she know that my heart was not only breaking for the potential loss of twins, or the idea of twins, but also breaking for her?  If this is real, what can I do for her?  If this is not, what can I do for her?  Why can't I just have more children?  It shouldn't be this hard, should it? 

"Goodnight, we'll talk more in the morning", but our conversation didn't end there.  She wanted to know why it was so important for her parents to be involved.  She wanted to drink.  I couldn't let her go then, with the possibility of that happening.  So I did the best I could to end the night with love. 

"Sweetie, drink lots of water, and it had to be explained to her again why, because you are dehydrated and need to take care of yourself and your babies"
"They are your babies", she would reply.
"Get some sleep and lets talk in the morning"

Phew, I was exhausted.  This was only 10% of our conversations that day.  I was in a "face down in the arena" moment.  Quote from Brene' Brown's book "Rising Strong".  (more on this book later) 

Day 6:

"Good morning Maddie, how did you sleep?"
I tried to start the next day off with a positive note, and her replies were as if nothing happened the night before.  Two job interviews that day for her, and her mom was home from work for her own birthday.  After our usual small talk she shared with me that the babies were moving again.  This is good news.  "Are you drinking water?"
"I hate water"
"Add flavor to it"
"ya"
Often our conversations were on repeat.  Just breath, I thought to myself.  

"Why do you want to talk to my parents, or doctor?"

Was this unreasonable for me to ask?  "If you say you want me to be the mother of your girls, then I would like to know how they are doing and their progress.  I would also love to have you have a support team while you go through this.  It's important to us that you have that"

"I an a adult, its not their decision"

I couldn't take anymore, she needed to cooperate, as we were willing to do whatever it took to help her from a distant. 

"Maddie, I need you to get me proof of pregnancy, either with an ultrasound, the doctor's notes on your visit, a call to or from the doctor, you meeting with a counselor, attorney or agency or something to help us be able to move forward, this week please"

"Fine, I get you proof tomorrow, don't know why you need it, but I get it"

Thank you, that's all we need right now, in order to continue with adoption.  If you want my friendship, love and attention, usually you just have to ask.  I have a lot of love to give, but not when I am promised babies, for it.  Preying on my vulnerability isn't an invitation for my love. 

Three days went by, with small talk and excuses.  I am upstairs, I'll get the doctor's name and number for you later.  I am in the bathroom.  I am in a mood, had a fight with boyfriend, I'll text you later.  After the first time she told me about her being hit by her boyfriend, I did ask if I could call the police for her, this is not a good situation to be in.  She refused.  I'm lazy right now, don't want to get up.  I forgot the doctor's name.  I don't have money for a counselor.  Although meeting with an LDS bishop initially is free, and possibly finding a counselor or financial aid wasn't going to work for her either.  My car doesn't work, how would I get there.  I don't want my parents to help me

One after the other, there was a reason she would not cooperate.  She did however have a doctor's appointment on day 8.  When the time passed for her to contact me about the appointment and how the babies were doing, I heard nothing.  No texting, no calls, nothing. 

"How was your appointment today?"
"Good"
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I tired"
"Did you sign the release form at the doctor's?"
"yes"
"Can I get the doctor's name so I can call?"
"I tired, got in fight with boyfriend, want to sleep" at 3 in the afternoon
"Maddie, please give me the name or give me something to work with or I will need to cut this off"

Silence

"Fine"
"Fine what?"
"Fine, cut me off"

Nothing.........................but heartache. 

To be continued