Part 2, Heartbreaking truth

I woke up early this morning, not able to sleep.  Reread last night's blog post and realized how I truly left you hanging.  There is so much more to this story, that I didn't feel comfortable stopping there.  However, when you are up til wee hours of the morning, your brain starts to turn to moosh, and that is exactly what was happening last night (technically, this morning).

The past two weeks have been peak and valleys to say the least.  I have lived through moments of excitement, curiosity, vulnerability, pure hell, sense of loss, and an attempt at acceptance.  Ultimately resulting in deep soul searching and falling to my knees, only to wear out all the knees in my pants.  Holy pants and torn jeans are the new fashion, right.  Well prayer has put me into the lastest trends, if not, I'm bringing them back!

So, was this for real?  Were we going to be parents of twin girls, only to have a 7 and 9 year gap between our children.  Were we ready for it, again?  Did it matter?  If those are my babies, I didn't care, about any of those concerns.  So, I jumped in with both feet, getting to know Maddie, but somehow still holding onto the rope behind me that told me, "nope, this feels odd". 

Before we met Kya's birthmom, the week before, we met with our very first birthmother.  Our very first contact, 7 months after our adoption journey began.  With a few email correspondence, here's what we knew.  Birthmom was from Ogden, Utah (we were living in Logan at the time), she was carrying twin girls, and I thought I was on cloud 10....yup, in my world there are more than 9 clouds.  We spoke with our caseworker, adoption counselor, who at the time was getting ready to retire, and we were advised to try to meet with birthmom in a neutral setting, preferably with another counselor, birthmom's perhaps.  Well, this wasn't going to work out, because she didn't have one yet?  Red flag?  Carl and I decided to go ahead and set up a face to face with her, but it would have to be on our own.  Our agency was wonderful to work with, but with some of the office changes going on at the time, we had to proceed on our own in some things. 

We drove down to Ogden, picked her up from her apartment complex and took her out for ice cream.  Ice cream is always a great "ice" breaker.  It was a lovely evening, small talk and all, and then it happened.  She reached across the table, grabbed my hands in hers, and said, "I want you to be the parents of my little baby girl"......Huh?

That's all I felt, "huh?".  Ok, that's cool, as if my high school bestie just told me that she was going to try out for the band, cool.  It's all I had, I was overcome with questions, and numbness.  I thought you were having twin girls?  Are you sure?  Why am I not running through the ice cream shop doing cartwheels and jumping for joy?  We were just "chosen".

These same feelings were creeping right back in with Maddie, and yet, I wanted so bad for this to be the next chapter of our family story, even if it had to be the ending.  Twins.  I always wanted twins.  I was even willing to adopt another little girl the same time we were blessed with Zander, just so I could pretend to have twins.  Its pathetic, I know.  I'll do whatever I am ask to do, dear Lord. 

Maddie and I grew close, in a matter of days, if not hours.  I am very honest in my questioning and she was more than willing to accommodate me with the answers.  How does birthdad feel?  Why won't you tell your parents?  Why won't you work with an agency?  Do you have health insurance?  Can I send you a medical and social history questionnaire for you to fill out, 13 pages long?  This is how the conversation went on my end.  Birthdad doesn't care, is it bad for the babies to be hit in the stomach?  Agencies think I am a fraud, because of my miscarriage last year.  My parents will kick me out.  Yes, I have health insurance.  I wish I had a job.  Nobody cares about me.  Is it bad to drink while I'm pregnant?  Stop right there!  This is where it got real, real fast for me.  NO, its not ok to drink while you are pregnant.  "Why not?"  I understand very well that she had a learning disability, but was she serious?  Were there red flags, everywhere? 

Carl is very protective of me, my emotions and his own feelings as well.  He said right up front, I am not going to get emotionally attached until I get an answer from the Lord.  Fair enough, I agree, but I can't emotionally step out.  I already started to develop a love for Maddie.  Her life was less than ideal, she was reaching out for help, for love, for attention.  I have more than enough of this to give, when my heart isn't being played with.  But I continued on, calling our attorney's office, making several calls and leaving messages with the LDS Family Services counselor in Columbus, Ohio, leaving messages with the Bishop of the LDS church near Maddie's home.  I was desperately trying to build her a team, her own support system.  I even asked to speak with her doctor, with her consent of course.  She agreed to all that, just not her parents.  I needed to know that she had help, she had someone to talk to during this difficult decision.  I needed to know that she was pregnant.  That's right, we still hadn't received confirmation of the pregnancy, but I would push on, it was still early.  It's not about the babies for me in the early stages of an open adoption relationship.  Our birthmothers become my sisters and all I care about is them.  And Maddie needed me.  I saw all the red flags she was waving, but she still needed me.  And I needed to know that there was a possibility that I would be a mother, again.  I needed this to hold onto.  Until you prove otherwise to me, all people are good.  Does this make me vulnerable, weak or stupid?  Maybe?  Does it make me human?  Yes?  Does it make me vulnerable, dangling my heart out there for others to crush, stomp on, only after playing with like a hacky sack for a while?  Absolutely.  But the idea of being a mother again....its all worth it.  Its the price I'm reluctantly willing to pay.  Isn't that why we are here? 

"Did you hear from God today?"  This was the question I got on my text, just about every 20 minutes on days 3 and 4 of our little charade. 
"Yes I did, but not about the babies, yet".  Why wasn't He telling me this was right?  Why did I still feel numb, like I did with birthmom Sarah in 2006?  When only a week after meeting Sarah, we met Kya's and there was, without a doubt, a loud and resounding, 'YES, that is your baby'. 

Maddie was persistent.  She wanted us to be the parents, "how you feel bout that?", she would ask.  How do I feel about that?  Ecstatic! Thrilled!  Beyond words!  Emotions cannot properly be described when you think you could be a mother.  But why the numbness too? 

I wasn't going to give up, just yet!