Zanders Story.
When Paula first asked me to write this I was a little shocked I already hadn't. And when I realized I hadn't, I decided to do some research on her blog to see the kind of things people wrote about, to see if I could give a different perspective, however I learned I was overthinking much of it. So this is my story, Zander's birthmom, Tess Laeh.
I woke up around four in the morning in a panic. I had been so busy with school and working 2 jobs, it just occurred to me I was over a week late. Not too big of a deal, I'm usually irregular, right? But something in me felt different, as though I really didnt need to pee on that stick to know that I had really messed up. That I really didnt need that second little line to show up blue before I knew I was about to become a disappointment to my family, a laughing stock amoung my friends, and when it came right down to it, a really really stupid girl. But low and behold there it was, confirmation of everything that I was feeling showed up the darkest blue that second line could possibly be - I was pregnant.
How did I find myself in this predicament, didn't I know the risks in what I had been doing? The answer was simple, I was in love, and I didn't care about anything other than that at the time. There were no consequences in my mind, another persons life who didnt even exist at the time, who I was holding their fate. I was 19, in love with a boy, and wanted to express it and be as close as possible to him. It was selfish, but try explaining that to my 19 year old self.
I called my boyfriend immediately, over and over again at 4 am until he picked up. In a sleepy panicked slumber I hear "Is everything okay?" The only response I can muster to say is "No." "Whats wrong, whats going on?" "I'm pregnant."
I dont remember the rest of the conversation at all. I knew this was way worse news for him than it was for me. Afterall, he was LDS, his whole family was LDS, including all the siblings significant others, I was already a monkey wrench, and now this. I felt awful, I knew how much the church meant to him, and how his family would react to learning he was sexually active before marriage, let alone getting a girl pregnant. Talks were had, we both morally hated the idea of abortion, and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds. The only other two choices were keep the child, or give it up for adoption. We caught the information early enough, we could hide it from our families for a few weeks while we thought about what to do.
I remember one big conversation we had, we were sitting at a park inside a car for hours. We both werent ready for a kid, but we both loved eachother and thought maybe the responsible thing to do was just to become parents. But we were both honest with eachother in that moment, and there were a couple things that need to be shared, even though its hard to admit.
Jonathan would have been able to drop out of school and work two jobs the next day so we would start our life that way. However, he remembered his father rarely being home, and he never wanted to be that kind of dad.
I could have also dropped out of school and become a stay at home mom, with Jonathan working like that. However, I knew I would regret not finishing school, and end up resenting that I had to do that.
We had only been dating 4 months, and though we had no intention on leaving on another, it was scary to throw our relationship into something as life commiting as parenthood.
The worst thing we had to admit to ourselves that night was we were not the best choice for our soon to be child, and we wanted better for them. And trust me, it still hurts to know we were right. However, before you can see light, you have to surround yourself in darkness.
I woke up around four in the morning in a panic. I had been so busy with school and working 2 jobs, it just occurred to me I was over a week late. Not too big of a deal, I'm usually irregular, right? But something in me felt different, as though I really didnt need to pee on that stick to know that I had really messed up. That I really didnt need that second little line to show up blue before I knew I was about to become a disappointment to my family, a laughing stock amoung my friends, and when it came right down to it, a really really stupid girl. But low and behold there it was, confirmation of everything that I was feeling showed up the darkest blue that second line could possibly be - I was pregnant.
How did I find myself in this predicament, didn't I know the risks in what I had been doing? The answer was simple, I was in love, and I didn't care about anything other than that at the time. There were no consequences in my mind, another persons life who didnt even exist at the time, who I was holding their fate. I was 19, in love with a boy, and wanted to express it and be as close as possible to him. It was selfish, but try explaining that to my 19 year old self.
I called my boyfriend immediately, over and over again at 4 am until he picked up. In a sleepy panicked slumber I hear "Is everything okay?" The only response I can muster to say is "No." "Whats wrong, whats going on?" "I'm pregnant."
I dont remember the rest of the conversation at all. I knew this was way worse news for him than it was for me. Afterall, he was LDS, his whole family was LDS, including all the siblings significant others, I was already a monkey wrench, and now this. I felt awful, I knew how much the church meant to him, and how his family would react to learning he was sexually active before marriage, let alone getting a girl pregnant. Talks were had, we both morally hated the idea of abortion, and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds. The only other two choices were keep the child, or give it up for adoption. We caught the information early enough, we could hide it from our families for a few weeks while we thought about what to do.
I remember one big conversation we had, we were sitting at a park inside a car for hours. We both werent ready for a kid, but we both loved eachother and thought maybe the responsible thing to do was just to become parents. But we were both honest with eachother in that moment, and there were a couple things that need to be shared, even though its hard to admit.
Jonathan would have been able to drop out of school and work two jobs the next day so we would start our life that way. However, he remembered his father rarely being home, and he never wanted to be that kind of dad.
I could have also dropped out of school and become a stay at home mom, with Jonathan working like that. However, I knew I would regret not finishing school, and end up resenting that I had to do that.
We had only been dating 4 months, and though we had no intention on leaving on another, it was scary to throw our relationship into something as life commiting as parenthood.
The worst thing we had to admit to ourselves that night was we were not the best choice for our soon to be child, and we wanted better for them. And trust me, it still hurts to know we were right. However, before you can see light, you have to surround yourself in darkness.
The decision was made, we were going to give our child up for adoption.
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