I've decided to pick up my blog again and share more thoughts on adoption. Not sure how consistent this will be, but I will try. It looks like there is a part 2, to Tess's story, so we'll have to check in on that later.
Today I want to start to share my latest experience with adoption. I was sitting on my couch reading a book, while Kya sat on my computer working on one of her "books". She loves to read and create stories of her own. Zander sat on his knees, leaning up against the coffee table composing his latest work of art, the next Picasso or Van Gough lives in my house. I was distracted from my reading when my phone text chimed. I looked down to see a number I didn't recognize, but being a business owner, I will rarely ignore a text. Carefully picking up the phone to see what this stranger had to say, all that it said was, "Hi". Ok, who is prank texting me, and who got this number. I've received odd texts like this before, and have had some interesting conversations with "text pals" who were reaching out to friends or family who used to have my current number. Reluctantly, I replied with a simple and innocent "Hi". Just seconds later two texts rang through. "Sorry to text just want help" "Want a family for my babies". What? Who is this, and how did you get my number? I was a little taken back, considering we have been "trying to adopt" since my son was 2, now 7.
We have been through 2 scams and 3 legit birthmoms who ultimately went a different direction, not to mention the short lived relationships with birthmoms we've had entailing a quick inquiry email or contact and then no further correspondence. The beauty of adoption for birthmothers is they have so many options when it comes to the decisions they make in the best interest of their sweet angels. On the flip side, they have a lot of options, and choosing the right one, is no easy task. As an adoptive mom, I don't know exactly what birthmoms go through during this process, but I have many dear birthmother friends and two birthmoms of my own to get an idea if not empathize with them regarding their decisions and the whys.
So, who was this, how did they get my number and was this a prank, or mistake. I'm not usually paranoid, but when my heart is in play, I can be skeptical. My response, "Wow, thank you for considering us. How did you get my number?"
"Adoption"
"Ok, you found us on adoption.com?"
Phew, that makes sense, we are on parentprofiles.com through adoption.com. Although, this is our first contact through there in a year. Moving forward cautiously I asked, "What do you mean, 'a family for babies?"
"I pregnant"
"Are you looking at other families?"
"Yes, but none want twins"
"Oh, wow, you're having twins"
"Ya, girls"
"That's exciting. What is your name?"
"Name Madeline (name changed)"
"Cool"
"Ya"
"Tell me about yourself"
Maddie proceeds to tell me that she is 24, no job, has an older sister, boyfriend that is controlling and no job either. We continued with small talk for the remainder of the evening. She said she miscarried last May and doesn't want her parents involved because they will kick her out if she "gets pregnant again". Her English seemed very broken to me, and as I have received texts from other birthmothers internationally, I was curious where she was from, so I asked. When it comes to open adoption, in our family, we feel it is very important to communicate honestly from day1.
"Your English seems a little broken, are you from another country?"
"No, Ohio"
"Oh ok, just wondered, I'm sorry if I offended you with my question?"
"No, learning disability"
"Ok, I understand"
We continued to get to know each other via texting. My curiosity spikes and my hands start to shake, as my heart is racing. Tears even begin to form in my eyes with the idea that this may be real, we could possibly be looking forward to twin girls. Wow! Its true what they say, life happens when you've stopped living it....or something like that. Not that I have given up, but "the waiting game" in adoption is tough and if you occupy your days, hours and minutes with worrying or checking profiles and emails constantly, time will slow down to a slugs pace. I literally have "gone insane" during the wait.
In the spring of 2013, I had to step back and take a little mini vacation from our adoption journey. All my energy and attention was in our search for our next baby. I recall one time when I was curled up on my bed, trying to hide under the covers, from the world, from my life and even my children. Only to find myself pulling out the computer to check my emails, in hopes of a birthmother contact, then I went to our profile, skimming over the "statistics" page. How many views had we had that day, what pages did they visit, and how long were they on our profile? These actions consumed my days. My poor children were not getting the mother they deserved. As I set my computer down, in a moment of weakness and pure heartbreak because no one viewed the page that day, nor were there any emails from birthmoms. I started to bawl. Crocodile tears ran down my face and I heard my children playing in the next room. Its as if a lighting bolt struck and I thought, "I don't want my children to grow up thinking, 'all mom ever cared about was another baby, she didn't care about us'" This tore through my heart like a searing hot knife cutting a plastic bottle in half with ease. This was an wake up call moment for me. That night, I told my husband I needed a brake. I needed time away from adoption. My kids needed and deserved their mother and her love and attention. They are growing up fast and I didn't want to miss another minute of this.
But was this finally it, were we finally finding our children to complete our family? The story goes on, another day.
"my greatest desire, became my greatest challenge, which ultimately is my greatest blessing" I started this blog after seeing a friend start a blog for infertility and a place to go for support. Well, my husband and I are infertile and we have been blessed with the experience of adoption. This blog is for those who are looking for another option...the Option of Adoption.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Saturday, April 25, 2015
"Zander Bear" Introducing Tess Laeh...Zander's birthmom Part 1
Zanders Story.
When Paula first asked me to write this I was a little shocked I already hadn't. And when I realized I hadn't, I decided to do some research on her blog to see the kind of things people wrote about, to see if I could give a different perspective, however I learned I was overthinking much of it. So this is my story, Zander's birthmom, Tess Laeh.
I woke up around four in the morning in a panic. I had been so busy with school and working 2 jobs, it just occurred to me I was over a week late. Not too big of a deal, I'm usually irregular, right? But something in me felt different, as though I really didnt need to pee on that stick to know that I had really messed up. That I really didnt need that second little line to show up blue before I knew I was about to become a disappointment to my family, a laughing stock amoung my friends, and when it came right down to it, a really really stupid girl. But low and behold there it was, confirmation of everything that I was feeling showed up the darkest blue that second line could possibly be - I was pregnant.
How did I find myself in this predicament, didn't I know the risks in what I had been doing? The answer was simple, I was in love, and I didn't care about anything other than that at the time. There were no consequences in my mind, another persons life who didnt even exist at the time, who I was holding their fate. I was 19, in love with a boy, and wanted to express it and be as close as possible to him. It was selfish, but try explaining that to my 19 year old self.
I called my boyfriend immediately, over and over again at 4 am until he picked up. In a sleepy panicked slumber I hear "Is everything okay?" The only response I can muster to say is "No." "Whats wrong, whats going on?" "I'm pregnant."
I dont remember the rest of the conversation at all. I knew this was way worse news for him than it was for me. Afterall, he was LDS, his whole family was LDS, including all the siblings significant others, I was already a monkey wrench, and now this. I felt awful, I knew how much the church meant to him, and how his family would react to learning he was sexually active before marriage, let alone getting a girl pregnant. Talks were had, we both morally hated the idea of abortion, and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds. The only other two choices were keep the child, or give it up for adoption. We caught the information early enough, we could hide it from our families for a few weeks while we thought about what to do.
I remember one big conversation we had, we were sitting at a park inside a car for hours. We both werent ready for a kid, but we both loved eachother and thought maybe the responsible thing to do was just to become parents. But we were both honest with eachother in that moment, and there were a couple things that need to be shared, even though its hard to admit.
Jonathan would have been able to drop out of school and work two jobs the next day so we would start our life that way. However, he remembered his father rarely being home, and he never wanted to be that kind of dad.
I could have also dropped out of school and become a stay at home mom, with Jonathan working like that. However, I knew I would regret not finishing school, and end up resenting that I had to do that.
We had only been dating 4 months, and though we had no intention on leaving on another, it was scary to throw our relationship into something as life commiting as parenthood.
The worst thing we had to admit to ourselves that night was we were not the best choice for our soon to be child, and we wanted better for them. And trust me, it still hurts to know we were right. However, before you can see light, you have to surround yourself in darkness.
I woke up around four in the morning in a panic. I had been so busy with school and working 2 jobs, it just occurred to me I was over a week late. Not too big of a deal, I'm usually irregular, right? But something in me felt different, as though I really didnt need to pee on that stick to know that I had really messed up. That I really didnt need that second little line to show up blue before I knew I was about to become a disappointment to my family, a laughing stock amoung my friends, and when it came right down to it, a really really stupid girl. But low and behold there it was, confirmation of everything that I was feeling showed up the darkest blue that second line could possibly be - I was pregnant.
How did I find myself in this predicament, didn't I know the risks in what I had been doing? The answer was simple, I was in love, and I didn't care about anything other than that at the time. There were no consequences in my mind, another persons life who didnt even exist at the time, who I was holding their fate. I was 19, in love with a boy, and wanted to express it and be as close as possible to him. It was selfish, but try explaining that to my 19 year old self.
I called my boyfriend immediately, over and over again at 4 am until he picked up. In a sleepy panicked slumber I hear "Is everything okay?" The only response I can muster to say is "No." "Whats wrong, whats going on?" "I'm pregnant."
I dont remember the rest of the conversation at all. I knew this was way worse news for him than it was for me. Afterall, he was LDS, his whole family was LDS, including all the siblings significant others, I was already a monkey wrench, and now this. I felt awful, I knew how much the church meant to him, and how his family would react to learning he was sexually active before marriage, let alone getting a girl pregnant. Talks were had, we both morally hated the idea of abortion, and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds. The only other two choices were keep the child, or give it up for adoption. We caught the information early enough, we could hide it from our families for a few weeks while we thought about what to do.
I remember one big conversation we had, we were sitting at a park inside a car for hours. We both werent ready for a kid, but we both loved eachother and thought maybe the responsible thing to do was just to become parents. But we were both honest with eachother in that moment, and there were a couple things that need to be shared, even though its hard to admit.
Jonathan would have been able to drop out of school and work two jobs the next day so we would start our life that way. However, he remembered his father rarely being home, and he never wanted to be that kind of dad.
I could have also dropped out of school and become a stay at home mom, with Jonathan working like that. However, I knew I would regret not finishing school, and end up resenting that I had to do that.
We had only been dating 4 months, and though we had no intention on leaving on another, it was scary to throw our relationship into something as life commiting as parenthood.
The worst thing we had to admit to ourselves that night was we were not the best choice for our soon to be child, and we wanted better for them. And trust me, it still hurts to know we were right. However, before you can see light, you have to surround yourself in darkness.
The decision was made, we were going to give our child up for adoption.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Catching up
If I actually have followers and this blog is hopefully helping others out...thank you for sticking with me and thank you for your patience. I try to keep up with my blog and think about it often....does that count? Wink wink
I have been thinking a lot about infertility lately and recently saw a news report on KSL in Utah with some amazing bloggers who also deal with infertility and adoption. The R House, a particular favorite of mine, was on this news report. Thank you to all the beautiful ladies and moms on there. One woman from www.countingblessingsnotsheep.blogspot.com said it perfectly when she said, "Just because we are mothers (through adoption, fertility treatments, modern medicine) doesn't mean the sting of infertility goes away"
Man I can agree with this whole heartedly. I am so very blessed to have my two beautiful littles, but I still yearn for the ability to carry a child, or I still struggle with our four year adoption silence. People ask me if we are done adopting.....um, no. We've just had so many near misses that it tends to slow the process quite a bit. If the Lord's plan for us is to have our two children and then focus our energies elsewhere, then I will thank him daily for my children and continue on....but I will always feel the sting of infertility and I will always want more littles. I pray that in the next life I will have the wonderful opportunity to be the mother I always thought I would be here....with many, many littles.
Now don't go thinking this is a pity post....its not, just sharing some thoughts I had. This blog is for those who may struggle with infertility, or even birth parents who need to hear other birth parents stories to help them through their decisions. I absolutely have the greatest admiration for birth parents. There is no greater love for a child than that of a Birthmother or birthfather that selflessly does what they feel is best for their little angels.
My Loving Heavenly Father gave me his Son, for my eternal happiness. I see the same love for my children and others adopted, from those who placed them in my arms and others arms.
I am excited to continue on this journey called life and do my little part to be a comfort to others. Thank you again for following and hopefully spreading the word.
Coming very soon...more thoughts from birthparents.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
"I have a speech to give"
Today I was enjoying a little "baby holding" time after sacrament meeting and asked my kids to go to their classes by themselves. As I headed to teach my class, I stopped by the primary room to check on the kids. Zander was sitting in the front as if he was ready to give a talk. I panicked a little, because I don't remember him being assigned to speak, so we weren't prepared. The primary president came up to me to tell me that Zander walked in to the primary room and said, "I have a speech to give today and I want to say what I have to say, not from a magazine (Friend)" I was a little nervous, I had no idea what he wanted to say. It turns out the little girl that was supposed to give the talk was sick and they needed someone to give a talk. Well, apparently Zander was ready to go.
I pulled him aside and asked him what he wanted to talk about...."electricity" he said. Well, good luck, I told the president. And I went on to my class.
I checked up on him after class and this is what I was told,
"Zander gave an amazing talk. He did a great job, said what he had to say, then sat down."
After church I asked Zander to give us his talk....and this is what he shared with us.
"I have some things to share with you, God gave us electricity. With electricity we can see things, like with a flashlight. If there is a dark hole, you can use the electricity to see down it"
Now, I am no doctrinal scholar, but if you were to really listen to what he was saying, was he not talking about The Light of Christ. What a great missionary he will be. So blessed to be able to have him call me mom, and that the Lord has trusted Carl and I to raise one of his choicest sons.
I pulled him aside and asked him what he wanted to talk about...."electricity" he said. Well, good luck, I told the president. And I went on to my class.
I checked up on him after class and this is what I was told,
"Zander gave an amazing talk. He did a great job, said what he had to say, then sat down."
After church I asked Zander to give us his talk....and this is what he shared with us.
"I have some things to share with you, God gave us electricity. With electricity we can see things, like with a flashlight. If there is a dark hole, you can use the electricity to see down it"
Now, I am no doctrinal scholar, but if you were to really listen to what he was saying, was he not talking about The Light of Christ. What a great missionary he will be. So blessed to be able to have him call me mom, and that the Lord has trusted Carl and I to raise one of his choicest sons.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Loved this. Great read
What LDS Families Involved in Adoption Wish You Knew
BRIANA STEWART - -6 MINUTES AGO
For those families involved in adoption, a little understanding goes a long way. Find out what you can do to help support these special families in and out of the Church.
Adoptive parent Terra Cooper embraces the birthmother of her child. Photo courtesy of Brittany Cascio
For Tarrin Philpott, years of diagnosed “unexplained infertility” led her and her husband, Tyrell, to adoption. And it was a shift in strategy and heart.
“Adoption is emotional,” Philpott says. “A big change has to take place. Instead of pregnancy and birth, your mindset changes from a child who shares your DNA to a child who comes in a way we had never previously considered. I had to let go of the family I had envisioned my whole life (a large family, children who looked like me) and accept the new vision for my family. I felt like Tyrell made the shift easily, but I was emotional about it. It was tough making choices about ethnicity and health in our adoption profile. We ultimately left many of those decisions to our Heavenly Father, knowing that we weren’t looking for any baby, we were looking for our baby—the baby meant for us. And He would help guide us to him or her.”
FEATURED SPONSOR
Heavenly Father did indeed guide two babies to the Philpotts through the miracle of adoption—McKinlee and Tatum. Since then, they’ve added twins to their family through the miracle of in vitro fertilization and a sweet baby girl who came by surprise naturally. Their unexplained infertility has led to inexplicable joy.
For members of the Church involved in adoption, like the Philpotts, sometimes misunderstandings arise that can be easily avoided if their fellow Church members knew more about their circumstances. For members of the Church involved in adoption, like the Philpotts, sometimes misunderstandings arise that can be easily avoided if their fellow Church members knew more about their circumstances, emotions, and sensitivities. Here are a few common questions and their answers that will help us all understand adoption a little better:
Q: Why do couples decide to adopt?
As with every important life decision, these couples turn to the Lord. They are prayerful in their decisions and do not make them lightly. Adoption is far from an “easy fix.” Many couples break their hearts and their bank accounts pursuing this option--but in the end, it's all worth it.
Sally Lee, who has worked as a counselor at LDS Family Services in Hawaii for 34 years, explains: “I have often heard adoptive couples express they could not love their adopted children more if they had been born to them biologically. Having that full heart to love unconditionally is most important.”
Q: How does adoption typically affect birthparents?
“In planning to place a child for adoption, birthparents usually go through a thorough self-assessment of their own lives and where they are,” Lee says. “They think deeply about what they want for their child. They realize many things about themselves, such as their readiness for responsibility, relationships, employment, and so forth. They become more prayerful than ever. They grow to feel a love stronger than they have ever known and are willing to sacrifice for the benefit of the child—even if it brings them grief and sadness. Their hearts expand in love for the child and the adoptive couple. Their sacrifice cannot be described in words. I know that the Lord will bless them for what they go through.”
Q: How does the adoption process typically affect adoptive couples?
“The adoptive couple gets to look deep into themselves as they are interviewed and share information about their marriage, finances, goals, experiences, feelings about a child not biologically related to them, etc.,” Lee says. “It makes them want to be even better as a couple and a family. They grow in love for the birthparents and the child, and their hearts are forever changed for good.”
Adoptive parent Terra Cooper embraces the birthmother of her child. Courtesy of Brittany Cascio
Q: What should I know about the recent changes to LDS Family Services?
Earlier this year, LDS Family Services announced that they will no longer be working as an official adoption agency, but instead will focus on family counseling.
“LDS Family Services is not ‘getting out of adoption,’” says David McConkie, group manager of Children’s Services at LDS Family Services in Salt Lake City. “Because LDS Family Services is an integral part of the Church’s Welfare Services program, we are able to provide services in a unique way. Unlike traditional adoption agencies, LDS Family Services provides free professional counseling to unmarried expectant parents and their families who are referred by their bishop, regardless of whether the parents choose to marry, be single parents, or place their child for adoption. We will help unmarried expectant parents with their individual mental health needs, whatever they may be.”
Read more about the changes--and what they mean for you and for those involved in LDS adoptions.
Q: What insensitive remarks about adoption should be avoided?
If you know someone who has been involved in an adoption, remember to be sensitive about what you say.
“The baby’s ‘real’ mom....” This implies the adoptive mom is not the baby’s true mother. The correct term is birthmother.
“She gave up her baby for adoption.” The term “gave up” has a negative connotation for something that is actually an act of love. Rather, say, “She placed her baby for adoption.”
“Good for you for adopting! I don’t think I could love someone else’s child as much as I love my own.” This implies the adopted child will not be their child or is harder to love. Just stop after saying "Good for you."
“How much did your baby cost?” They didn’t get the baby on Craigslist, for crying out loud. If you’re trying to learn about the financials of an adoption, simply ask couples, “How much does adoption generally cost?”
Learn more about positive adoption language on the Church's official adoption website,itsaboutlove.org.
Q: How can we, as a general culture, be more supportive of adoption?
“One couple I worked with—when they announced they were adopting—had some people say, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’” says Keven R. Downs, a licensed clinical social worker at Heritage School, a residential treatment center in Provo, Utah. “They were presumably apologizing for what they assumed were infertility problems, and onlookers were acting as if it’s a lesser thing to adopt. It’s not! Couples who adopt are just as excited as a couple giving birth to a child. And after hearing horror stories like this, it makes me think we don’t celebrate adoption enough. Let’s be more aware. Let’s celebrate with them!”
Learn more about adoption in Adoption: 20 Questions Asked and Answered, found in the September/October 2014 issue of LDS Living magazine.
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Sunday, October 5, 2014
The Test Results
I had only a few friends left at this point in my life. My first group of friends weren't hanging around me anymore because I had changed my standards. My second group of friends weren't hanging around me anymore because they were his friends first, so when he dumped me, they dumped me too. There was one friend though that stayed my friend from the beginning . So, I went to her and told her the one thing that no 16 year old girl wants to say, “I think I am pregnant”. That night before the basketball game, we went to the dollar store to get a pregnancy test. I couldn’t bring myself to buy it. So, she grabbed the test and bought it for me. When we got to the basketball game, she stood outside the stall while I took the test.
When that positive line showed up, I had alot of mixed emotions. If this is real, everyone would find out what I had done. I will be judged, people will talk behind my back and most likely some will say things to my face. Everyone will be so disappointed in me. But, the good thing about it is this might bring he and I back together! Maybe we will still get married after all!
I went to the gym to watch the basketball game. I saw a friend of mine that was also a friend of his girlfriend. I knew if I told her what was going on, that word would get to him quickly. So, I told her. I told her that I was going to the crisis center in the morning to get a real pregnancy test.
When I got home that night, I asked my older brother to come talk to me, and I told him what was going on. He could not believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. When I told him about the outcome of the test, he began to cry. He hugged me tight and told me how much he loved me and will always love me no matter what happens. He then knelt down and began to pray. He prayed for God to be with me through this. He prayed that the test was wrong and that I could change my life around and not have to go through this, but that if it was right I could still have the spirit to guide me through this. After his prayer, we continued to talk and cry for awhile until we decided to finally go to sleep.
During school the next day, I left and went to the crisis center. My friend “S” came with me. The woman gave me the pee cup and once again, I went into the bathroom.
I don't know how long it actually took to get the result, but it felt like forever!
When the woman came back, she didn't tell me if the test was positive or negative. She simply said, "You have 3 options".
She then gave me my options: 1. Keep the baby 2. Adopt it out or 3. Abortion. She gave me some pamphlets and sent me on my way. What was I going to do?Thursday, September 4, 2014
Homestudy!
I came across this post from May 2008, after getting an email notifications of a new comment, I thought I would check it out....unfortunately the comment was "anonymous" and not even relevant to my family blog. But after reading the post I felt it was "repost" worthy for this blog. Hope you enjoy! If you've already read it....sorry!
May 2008
I am so much more layed back this time around with adoption. Whenever it happens is great and I am more patient about the wait...so far. Because of my lax attitude I have been thinking a lot about our "paper pregnancy" versus a "belly pregnancy". Let me just share with you a few of my thoughts...you have been warned. These thoughts are how I compare the two pregnancies, from my experience, which is only one-sided.
* When we fill out our paperwork and finally turn it into our caseworker...seeing that little blue line saying "pregnant" (you know, the little pee stick)
* Our first interview with the caseworker and agency...The first visit to the doctor's confirming the pregnancy.
* Preparing our profile; scrapbook pages, letter to the birthparents, and web profile...putting up the first ultrasound picture.
* Homestudy...decorating the nursery. (The homestudy is where our caseworker comes into our home to make sure our home is safe for a child; outlet covers, cupboard locks, fire extinquishers, smoke and CO2 alarms, safe neighborhood, age of roof, and where the new baby will be sleeping.
* Waiting for the background checks to come back from the state and FBI...getting bigger and not necessarily enjoying the body changes. (Don't know what that is like, but from what I hear)
* Food cravings...Food cravings
* Getting the letter that we are approved...Hearing the heartbeat, it's actually for real now.
* The wait...nausea, throwing up, peeing all day, uncomfortable sitting down, getting up, can't see my feet, wish I could still do situps, backaches; you get the idea.
* Hearing from our birthparents, waiting for baby to come...going into labor; some pain, short times of rest, then more pain, the blessed epidural.
* The birth of our baby...the birth of the baby.
Please remember, I have not ever been pregnant, and so my comparisons are from what I hear its like.
We had our homestudy today. Yeah! With our homestudy done, I am now about in my 5th or 6th month of pregnancy when my belly is growing, and I am not really liking the changes (although if I was blessed to carry my own child, I think I would love my belly). Waiting for the background checks is not one of my favorite parts of the "paper pregnancy"...but always worth it in the end.
May 2008
I am so much more layed back this time around with adoption. Whenever it happens is great and I am more patient about the wait...so far. Because of my lax attitude I have been thinking a lot about our "paper pregnancy" versus a "belly pregnancy". Let me just share with you a few of my thoughts...you have been warned. These thoughts are how I compare the two pregnancies, from my experience, which is only one-sided.
* When we fill out our paperwork and finally turn it into our caseworker...seeing that little blue line saying "pregnant" (you know, the little pee stick)
* Our first interview with the caseworker and agency...The first visit to the doctor's confirming the pregnancy.
* Preparing our profile; scrapbook pages, letter to the birthparents, and web profile...putting up the first ultrasound picture.
* Homestudy...decorating the nursery. (The homestudy is where our caseworker comes into our home to make sure our home is safe for a child; outlet covers, cupboard locks, fire extinquishers, smoke and CO2 alarms, safe neighborhood, age of roof, and where the new baby will be sleeping.
* Waiting for the background checks to come back from the state and FBI...getting bigger and not necessarily enjoying the body changes. (Don't know what that is like, but from what I hear)
* Food cravings...Food cravings
* Getting the letter that we are approved...Hearing the heartbeat, it's actually for real now.
* The wait...nausea, throwing up, peeing all day, uncomfortable sitting down, getting up, can't see my feet, wish I could still do situps, backaches; you get the idea.
* Hearing from our birthparents, waiting for baby to come...going into labor; some pain, short times of rest, then more pain, the blessed epidural.
* The birth of our baby...the birth of the baby.
Please remember, I have not ever been pregnant, and so my comparisons are from what I hear its like.
We had our homestudy today. Yeah! With our homestudy done, I am now about in my 5th or 6th month of pregnancy when my belly is growing, and I am not really liking the changes (although if I was blessed to carry my own child, I think I would love my belly). Waiting for the background checks is not one of my favorite parts of the "paper pregnancy"...but always worth it in the end.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Part 2 of Jericas story
As we continued dating, I continued changing. Soon, he became the only thing that was important to me. I lost some of my friends because all I cared about was him. We dated for almost 2 years, even though I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend. My parents knew that we liked each other but they didn’t know we were exclusive. He would come over to my house a few times a week so that I could help him with his math homework. We went to lunch together almost every day at school. We would meet up at school events, such as basketball games. And when I finally turned 16, he took me on my 2nd date (my dad took me on my first). We went to homecoming together my Junior year. Everything was going great with us. We were in love. This was the boy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. When our relationship got to this serious of a level, things started happening. I won't go into details, but things that should be saved until marriage. Yes, I felt bad about what was going on, but I knew I would marry him so I began to justify my actions. I knew I would have to repent if we wanted to get married in the temple, but I decided to let “Future Jerica” worry about that. But since I knew what I was doing was wrong, I starting avoiding things that once made me feel happy and feel the spirit, such as temple baptisms. I would be sick that day or I would have another important thing come up so that I didn't have to tell anyone what was going on. I also quit taking the sacrament. This one was harder to hide from my parents, but I did. They never noticed that I wasn't taking it. I would walk out to go to the bathroom or I would pretend like I was taking it when I really wasn't. I did not want my parents to ever find out what was going on. They would be so disappointed in me.
In September, 2005, I was so excited because I bought him and I tickets to the Dierks Bentley concert at the fair. I bought the tickets far in advance and bought the Dierks Bentley CD so that we could listen to his songs to get ready for the concert. When the day of the concert came, he suddenly couldn’t go anymore and told me to take someone else. He wouldn’t say why. I was a 16-year-old emotional teennager, so of course, I cried through every love song at the concert. I soon found out the reason he didn’t go is because he was hanging out with another girl. Within a few days, I got dumped and they started dating. I was devastated. I was in love with this boy and he was my whole life. Now I have to see him with her every single day at school. I guess I didn’t really blame him though, because she was beautiful and skinny and always wore really cute clothes. I just wasn’t good enough I guess.
I kept trying to win him back, but I finally gave up after a few weeks when one of his friends yelled at me in front of my entire class and told me to leave him alone. He said how pathetic I look for trying so hard. I ran out of class crying. I still wanted him back, but I decided to try to get over him and to quit making myself look like a fool.
A few weeks went by and I realized that it was that time of the month, and I was late….
Monday, July 7, 2014
It appears that I never really finished Zander's story...which led me to re-read my blog....where I learned that I never really finished Kya's adoption story. I began the blog and posted "My complete story"...so NOT the complete story.
I left off with a promise to talk more about open adoption and our experience. A little summary before I continue the story. Carl and I had already met another Birthmother that chose us to be the parents of her baby on the spot while having an ice cream meet and greet with her. It breaks my heart to think that I would have turned down ANY baby that would give me the opportunity to be their mother, but when The Lord has a plan for you and confirms it in your heart...you listen. We prayed and fasted to know what to do next. Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the Lord's plan to come to fruition. The very next week is when Jerica called. I was working as a night nurse at the time and we had put my husbands phone number as the contact number. It was too difficult for me to have my phone in my possession and be "waiting" for that call EVERYDAY. Waiting is a whole new ball game that I can only try to compare to as a "pregnancy" with an unknown due date...not easy. After a long night shift I went to bed around 6 am. When I woke up at 11 am there was VM on my phone. My husbands calm and soothing voice said, "Call me when you wake, it's important". I remember distinctly the words he said to me when I called him immediately. He said, "A birth mom has called this morning and she sounds like the one. She seems to have a head on her shoulders and very mature. She wants to meet with us soon because she is due next week". WHAT?
I was scheduled to work that night with one of my little precious pediatric patients but I knew we needed to make a trip that night to meet Jerica. It was a Friday and I knew we wouldn't be able to get our case worker to make a two hour drive to meet Jerica with us. So, we went on our own.
As we got closer to Jerica's home my nerves were rattling. Would this be it, would this be the day that we find out our family begins? We came to the end if their lane and there was a beautiful house on the corner....not theirs...then we passed another house...not theirs...the nerves on edge now with anticipation. Finally the house at the end of the LONG (what seemed like too long) lane.
Carl grabbed my hand and we walked to the front door. I honesty don't remember who answered the door but I do remember when Jerica walked into the living room from being downstairs. She was a beautiful and so young girl. Her belly was large and all it was all I could do to not hug her and want to rub her belly. I refrained. It was so comfortable to sit there in her families living room and chat with them all. We met her parents, three brothers and little sister who was a year younger than my daughter is now. Her older brother was there and very involved in the conversation. Carl asked him how he felt about all this...the pregnancy am the potential plan for adoption. It was just like chatting with family, of course I was secretly dying inside, I just wanted to hold Jerica and tell her how much I loved her right then...again I refrained. She hadn't chosen us yet. Remember I am not a patient woman.
The year prior to this meeting, while in the "waiting" process...I had heard of others' adoption stories and how they were so unique and personal to them, I just prayed and prayed that we would be blessed with an adoption that was so personal for me and unique. Silly I know, but that is what what important to me.
As I mentioned in the original post...Jerica's mom so gently and lovingly patted Jerica's belly (my now little Kya) and said, "this little baby was grown in Hawaii". I don't know if my jaw dropped but I was in complete shock and wanted to jump up and do a cartwheel right then and there. As an Army Brat growing up, my family moved around a lot and traveled the globe. I was my parents little Hawaiian souvenir. That was my confirmation. My prayers were answered. At that moment I knew I was going to be a mother.
I want to share more but dinner and life are calling. I feel as though this blog is coming into it time. My intentions were good before, but there is a time and a season for all things. Now is the time and this blog and it's stories will be more detailed and more heart and soul will go into each post. As mentioned so many times before...adoption is my life and I cherish my children's stories. It is not difficult for me to share their stories, but they are very personal to me and near to my heart. With that in mind...so are the posts that come from our birth families. I feel as though a lot of how and what we write is therapeutic for us.
There is so much more to tell...until next time. Not far away...this is our season.
I left off with a promise to talk more about open adoption and our experience. A little summary before I continue the story. Carl and I had already met another Birthmother that chose us to be the parents of her baby on the spot while having an ice cream meet and greet with her. It breaks my heart to think that I would have turned down ANY baby that would give me the opportunity to be their mother, but when The Lord has a plan for you and confirms it in your heart...you listen. We prayed and fasted to know what to do next. Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the Lord's plan to come to fruition. The very next week is when Jerica called. I was working as a night nurse at the time and we had put my husbands phone number as the contact number. It was too difficult for me to have my phone in my possession and be "waiting" for that call EVERYDAY. Waiting is a whole new ball game that I can only try to compare to as a "pregnancy" with an unknown due date...not easy. After a long night shift I went to bed around 6 am. When I woke up at 11 am there was VM on my phone. My husbands calm and soothing voice said, "Call me when you wake, it's important". I remember distinctly the words he said to me when I called him immediately. He said, "A birth mom has called this morning and she sounds like the one. She seems to have a head on her shoulders and very mature. She wants to meet with us soon because she is due next week". WHAT?
I was scheduled to work that night with one of my little precious pediatric patients but I knew we needed to make a trip that night to meet Jerica. It was a Friday and I knew we wouldn't be able to get our case worker to make a two hour drive to meet Jerica with us. So, we went on our own.
As we got closer to Jerica's home my nerves were rattling. Would this be it, would this be the day that we find out our family begins? We came to the end if their lane and there was a beautiful house on the corner....not theirs...then we passed another house...not theirs...the nerves on edge now with anticipation. Finally the house at the end of the LONG (what seemed like too long) lane.
Carl grabbed my hand and we walked to the front door. I honesty don't remember who answered the door but I do remember when Jerica walked into the living room from being downstairs. She was a beautiful and so young girl. Her belly was large and all it was all I could do to not hug her and want to rub her belly. I refrained. It was so comfortable to sit there in her families living room and chat with them all. We met her parents, three brothers and little sister who was a year younger than my daughter is now. Her older brother was there and very involved in the conversation. Carl asked him how he felt about all this...the pregnancy am the potential plan for adoption. It was just like chatting with family, of course I was secretly dying inside, I just wanted to hold Jerica and tell her how much I loved her right then...again I refrained. She hadn't chosen us yet. Remember I am not a patient woman.
The year prior to this meeting, while in the "waiting" process...I had heard of others' adoption stories and how they were so unique and personal to them, I just prayed and prayed that we would be blessed with an adoption that was so personal for me and unique. Silly I know, but that is what what important to me.
As I mentioned in the original post...Jerica's mom so gently and lovingly patted Jerica's belly (my now little Kya) and said, "this little baby was grown in Hawaii". I don't know if my jaw dropped but I was in complete shock and wanted to jump up and do a cartwheel right then and there. As an Army Brat growing up, my family moved around a lot and traveled the globe. I was my parents little Hawaiian souvenir. That was my confirmation. My prayers were answered. At that moment I knew I was going to be a mother.
I want to share more but dinner and life are calling. I feel as though this blog is coming into it time. My intentions were good before, but there is a time and a season for all things. Now is the time and this blog and it's stories will be more detailed and more heart and soul will go into each post. As mentioned so many times before...adoption is my life and I cherish my children's stories. It is not difficult for me to share their stories, but they are very personal to me and near to my heart. With that in mind...so are the posts that come from our birth families. I feel as though a lot of how and what we write is therapeutic for us.
There is so much more to tell...until next time. Not far away...this is our season.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Thoughts of being an adoptive mother
As you know...my life changed drastically in October 2005 from "what I thought becoming a mother was supposed to be like". I only thought this way because that is how I was raised and fashioned to think...get married, get pregnant, become a mother....right. Well that is not always the way and on my journey I have learned many ways of becoming a mother...the so-called non-"traditional" ways.
As an adoptive mother I have learned many things, which I want to share with you. During the "waiting" period (a very difficult time in the process) I learned that waiting to be an adoptive mom is where you learn to have patience...this doesn't mean I have completely succeeded in having patience but I have a greater understanding of what patience means. From my experience patience is not knowing the end result and enjoying the journey along the way. Knowing that tomorrow brings more uncertainty....more unsure feelings of whether or not I would be a mother and if so when would that be. Patience is not only understanding that that uncertainty is inevitable, but you learn to be positive and have a good attitude about it. Patience is living each day as you did the day before (only with a little more color...gotta keep life exciting somehow) but be progressing in something. Standing still and "waiting" for life to come to you will keeping in the same spot you were at the day before. I believe in moving forward each moment in life. I am certainly NOT an expert on patience and now that I am a mother my patience is tried everyday....but it's a learning process I am striving to succeed if not perfect.
Then once I became a mother...being an adoptive mother taught me a whole new meaning. There is a saying I heard that sums it up beautifully. "From Gods arms, to her arms, to mine". I edited it a bit for the purpose of personalizing it. Even if I were to have had the opportunity to carry my children in my own belly and bore them biologically...these children are still on loan from God. He has just entrusted me the opportunity to raise them on earth in hopes to return them to him someday in Heaven. As an adoptive mother, you add in another mother to the mix. Every adoption relationship will be different and personal to all parties involved, and our experience has been more rare than most...which is why we (Jerica and I) share it. Not only do we have another mother in the mix...but grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles and so forth....in addition to my immediate family as well as my husbands immediate family. What does this mean? Does everyone raise my children....does everyone have a say into how their lives turn out...does everyone KNOW my children. In our case...yes...and we LOVE it. They say it takes a village to raise children, why not have that village consist of biological and adoptive families. Again, this may not be the best situation for all adoption cases, and certainly in our case as with all others (should be), the best interest of our children is number one priority. We truly have been blessed with our village of people. We have had conversations with family about how great a village it would be in Heaven to have our mansions of all seven of our families be on the same street or cul-de-sac. What a beautiful eternal perspective.
As a mother, each personality trait and behavior my children possess tell a story or shine a light on something new. As an adoptive mother, when my child acts out or behaves a certain way, the thought will always run through my mind..."nature vs. nurture". It's become a joke in our family...who gets to claim responsibility for their BEST behaviors. As my children grow older their birth parents come out more and more. Naturally as their earthly/adoptive mother I hold tight to as many behaviors as possible with the hope that I am nurturing them to the best of my ability or the way God would want me to raise them. Everytime my son laughs...I see his birth mom or see his creativity. I just see my daughter's Birthmother everytime I look at her or watch her love animals. My son tells a joke and his skin turns golden brown in the sun and his birth father shines through. Each time my daughter's athletic abilities develop and we see she does have coordination, her birth father is there. There are so many things I could go on and on about when it comes to the resemblances they have to their loving birth parents. I love my children and count my blessings each time I hold them when they're sick or hurt, and each tear I dry, each accomplishment they have and each memory we make...and my blessings start with 1, 2, 3, 4...Jeff, Jerica, Jon and Tess. Of course my loving Heavenly Father that has placed my children in our plan and all that they come with.
Being an adoptive mom doesn't make me any different as a mother with respect to raising children in this complicated world...it just gives me a unique perspective to mothering. And I LOVE it.
I love sharing my children with their birth parents. They are mine, but I wouldn't have these amazing children without their birth parent's unconditional love for them.
As an adoptive mother I have learned many things, which I want to share with you. During the "waiting" period (a very difficult time in the process) I learned that waiting to be an adoptive mom is where you learn to have patience...this doesn't mean I have completely succeeded in having patience but I have a greater understanding of what patience means. From my experience patience is not knowing the end result and enjoying the journey along the way. Knowing that tomorrow brings more uncertainty....more unsure feelings of whether or not I would be a mother and if so when would that be. Patience is not only understanding that that uncertainty is inevitable, but you learn to be positive and have a good attitude about it. Patience is living each day as you did the day before (only with a little more color...gotta keep life exciting somehow) but be progressing in something. Standing still and "waiting" for life to come to you will keeping in the same spot you were at the day before. I believe in moving forward each moment in life. I am certainly NOT an expert on patience and now that I am a mother my patience is tried everyday....but it's a learning process I am striving to succeed if not perfect.
Then once I became a mother...being an adoptive mother taught me a whole new meaning. There is a saying I heard that sums it up beautifully. "From Gods arms, to her arms, to mine". I edited it a bit for the purpose of personalizing it. Even if I were to have had the opportunity to carry my children in my own belly and bore them biologically...these children are still on loan from God. He has just entrusted me the opportunity to raise them on earth in hopes to return them to him someday in Heaven. As an adoptive mother, you add in another mother to the mix. Every adoption relationship will be different and personal to all parties involved, and our experience has been more rare than most...which is why we (Jerica and I) share it. Not only do we have another mother in the mix...but grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles and so forth....in addition to my immediate family as well as my husbands immediate family. What does this mean? Does everyone raise my children....does everyone have a say into how their lives turn out...does everyone KNOW my children. In our case...yes...and we LOVE it. They say it takes a village to raise children, why not have that village consist of biological and adoptive families. Again, this may not be the best situation for all adoption cases, and certainly in our case as with all others (should be), the best interest of our children is number one priority. We truly have been blessed with our village of people. We have had conversations with family about how great a village it would be in Heaven to have our mansions of all seven of our families be on the same street or cul-de-sac. What a beautiful eternal perspective.
As a mother, each personality trait and behavior my children possess tell a story or shine a light on something new. As an adoptive mother, when my child acts out or behaves a certain way, the thought will always run through my mind..."nature vs. nurture". It's become a joke in our family...who gets to claim responsibility for their BEST behaviors. As my children grow older their birth parents come out more and more. Naturally as their earthly/adoptive mother I hold tight to as many behaviors as possible with the hope that I am nurturing them to the best of my ability or the way God would want me to raise them. Everytime my son laughs...I see his birth mom or see his creativity. I just see my daughter's Birthmother everytime I look at her or watch her love animals. My son tells a joke and his skin turns golden brown in the sun and his birth father shines through. Each time my daughter's athletic abilities develop and we see she does have coordination, her birth father is there. There are so many things I could go on and on about when it comes to the resemblances they have to their loving birth parents. I love my children and count my blessings each time I hold them when they're sick or hurt, and each tear I dry, each accomplishment they have and each memory we make...and my blessings start with 1, 2, 3, 4...Jeff, Jerica, Jon and Tess. Of course my loving Heavenly Father that has placed my children in our plan and all that they come with.
Being an adoptive mom doesn't make me any different as a mother with respect to raising children in this complicated world...it just gives me a unique perspective to mothering. And I LOVE it.
I love sharing my children with their birth parents. They are mine, but I wouldn't have these amazing children without their birth parent's unconditional love for them.
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