Hearts heal one onesie at a time

Infertility is hard, but once you accept the cards you were dealt or God's plan for you, it becomes just a sting that burns your heart rather than a crippling ache.  Many times I have felt broken, not because I am damaged, but because when you yearn for something desperately and can't have it, it brakes your spirit and desire to thrive.

When healing does begin or come at all, its a refreshing breath for a moment, enough to give you strength for the next moment.  I share all this because I have finally made some peace with the idea that there will not be another baby in my arms that I can call my own (at least not until they call me grandma).  This has been a daily battle for me for many years, and only now is the weight slowly lifting.  I am now shifting my thoughts of "not having more children" to "This is my family".

As we have been remodeling our home and slowly unpacking boxes, I came across several boxes overflowing with darling baby clothes.  I have held onto them with the hope to be able to dress a wee one again in them.  Some are sentimental and will be a treasure forever, a reminder of when my two beautiful children were tiny and wore them.  Some are a reminder of how quickly time flies by and we should cherish each moment with joy.  Some are a reminder that families can be together forever and I am grateful mine is.  Some are a reminder that innocence is bliss.

My husband gently encouraged me to empty the boxes and let go of the physical need for them.  The mental hope will always be there, but as Marie Kondo taught in her book "the life-changing magic of tidying up", if it doesn't "spark joy...or speak to your heart" get rid of it.  My response to my husband was this,

"When I am ready, I will empty the boxes, right now I am not ready".

I wasn't ready for the choice to part with the clothes.  I don't want to just throw them out, I don't want to just toss them aside only to be forgotten.  As insignificant as an item of clothing is, the memory they hold is what I was attaching to the item, and therefore difficult to let go.  The hope they carry is hard to let go.  The joy they once brought is hard to let go.  However, now, most of the items don't bring a physical joy, they open the wound in my broken heart of the dream I had of having many babies in my arms, in my home and in my life as a mother.

So what to do with these items?  I can find peace in "letting go" if they go to the needs of another.  I thought and prayed and pondered on what to do with the clothes.  How can they still have a purpose and give me peace in the process.  I decided to support an organization that is near and dear to the hearts of our dear friends.  Korah Kids is a non-profit based out of southern Utah that provides clothing, food, bedding, funds, living, jobs and so much more to a community of hundreds of thousands of people living in a trash dump community in Ethiopia.

Again, after much thought and prayer, my dear friend and founder of the organization suggested putting together blessing bags that they can take with them to an orphanage housing little babies.  This spoke directly to my heart.

So my kids and I got to work gathering outfits, toys and sock for each blessing bag.  The joy I felt putting these together was so great and peaceful, it has offered me exactly what I needed in this healing process.  

 Look how darling these blessing bags turned out.  These were baby clothes from my children and now will bless little ones on the other side of the world.  I couldn't be more pleased and at peace with this opportunity.  (We ended up with a baker's dozen of bags)

I can honestly say, that this organization has not only helped so many in need, but also helped my heart heal in a way I have struggled to find on my own.  I can't wait to see these bags in the hands of the caretakers of the tiny little babes in Ethiopia and those little angels dressed comfortably in the clothes.  Its amazing what a simple act of service and love can do for your own soul.  Turns a heavy heart into one bursting with love and triumph over a trial.  I don't know how else to really describe the emotions I was feeling, while I watched my children compose matching outfits from their own baby clothes.  The feelings I felt while carefully placing each ensemble into the bag and slowly zipping it up, that was pure joy, knowing they were going to snuggle around a little babe who's life is destined to be without a mother or a father (hopefully for just a short glimpse of their mortal experience).

 As we face our trials, in every moment we must search for our Savior's grace to heal our hearts.