Hearts heal one onesie at a time

Infertility is hard, but once you accept the cards you were dealt or God's plan for you, it becomes just a sting that burns your heart rather than a crippling ache.  Many times I have felt broken, not because I am damaged, but because when you yearn for something desperately and can't have it, it brakes your spirit and desire to thrive.

When healing does begin or come at all, its a refreshing breath for a moment, enough to give you strength for the next moment.  I share all this because I have finally made some peace with the idea that there will not be another baby in my arms that I can call my own (at least not until they call me grandma).  This has been a daily battle for me for many years, and only now is the weight slowly lifting.  I am now shifting my thoughts of "not having more children" to "This is my family".

As we have been remodeling our home and slowly unpacking boxes, I came across several boxes overflowing with darling baby clothes.  I have held onto them with the hope to be able to dress a wee one again in them.  Some are sentimental and will be a treasure forever, a reminder of when my two beautiful children were tiny and wore them.  Some are a reminder of how quickly time flies by and we should cherish each moment with joy.  Some are a reminder that families can be together forever and I am grateful mine is.  Some are a reminder that innocence is bliss.

My husband gently encouraged me to empty the boxes and let go of the physical need for them.  The mental hope will always be there, but as Marie Kondo taught in her book "the life-changing magic of tidying up", if it doesn't "spark joy...or speak to your heart" get rid of it.  My response to my husband was this,

"When I am ready, I will empty the boxes, right now I am not ready".

I wasn't ready for the choice to part with the clothes.  I don't want to just throw them out, I don't want to just toss them aside only to be forgotten.  As insignificant as an item of clothing is, the memory they hold is what I was attaching to the item, and therefore difficult to let go.  The hope they carry is hard to let go.  The joy they once brought is hard to let go.  However, now, most of the items don't bring a physical joy, they open the wound in my broken heart of the dream I had of having many babies in my arms, in my home and in my life as a mother.

So what to do with these items?  I can find peace in "letting go" if they go to the needs of another.  I thought and prayed and pondered on what to do with the clothes.  How can they still have a purpose and give me peace in the process.  I decided to support an organization that is near and dear to the hearts of our dear friends.  Korah Kids is a non-profit based out of southern Utah that provides clothing, food, bedding, funds, living, jobs and so much more to a community of hundreds of thousands of people living in a trash dump community in Ethiopia.

Again, after much thought and prayer, my dear friend and founder of the organization suggested putting together blessing bags that they can take with them to an orphanage housing little babies.  This spoke directly to my heart.

So my kids and I got to work gathering outfits, toys and sock for each blessing bag.  The joy I felt putting these together was so great and peaceful, it has offered me exactly what I needed in this healing process.  

 Look how darling these blessing bags turned out.  These were baby clothes from my children and now will bless little ones on the other side of the world.  I couldn't be more pleased and at peace with this opportunity.  (We ended up with a baker's dozen of bags)

I can honestly say, that this organization has not only helped so many in need, but also helped my heart heal in a way I have struggled to find on my own.  I can't wait to see these bags in the hands of the caretakers of the tiny little babes in Ethiopia and those little angels dressed comfortably in the clothes.  Its amazing what a simple act of service and love can do for your own soul.  Turns a heavy heart into one bursting with love and triumph over a trial.  I don't know how else to really describe the emotions I was feeling, while I watched my children compose matching outfits from their own baby clothes.  The feelings I felt while carefully placing each ensemble into the bag and slowly zipping it up, that was pure joy, knowing they were going to snuggle around a little babe who's life is destined to be without a mother or a father (hopefully for just a short glimpse of their mortal experience).

 As we face our trials, in every moment we must search for our Savior's grace to heal our hearts.

Princess Diaries

"Mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comfort"

There are seasons of triumph and seasons of trials.  During the triumphs is when we see the clearest, and grow from what we learned in the midst of trials.  God sends us kindred spirits or tender mercies when He knows we need them the most.  As a pediatric nurse many of my patients were tender mercies for me at specific seasons of trial in my life.

This past weekend, I heard the scripture Mosiah 18:9 twice at two different places by two completely different people.  This is what it reads, 

"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn ; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the..."

I've been pondering this verse and wondered its meaning.  Even without complete awareness, we minister to those around us, placed in our path, by simply serving with love and compassion.  Sharing our heart and caring for others.

I love it when I see His hands so clearly in my life.  Often these moments, and life experiences come through children for me.  I love children, their innocence, pure hearts and unconditional love light up every room.  This little darling in particular was a bright ray of sunshine for me, as well as so many others.  

 This is my little friend Princess Cosette.  While serving in the nursery of our last ward, I was fighting an internal battle, one that I have fought on and off for over 15 years.  Depression is such an ugly word, and certainly an ugly feeling.  But as much as we wish to shut it out, its there and it is real, for so many of us.  As desperate as I am to have more children, being around little children can sometimes break me.  Break me to my very core, where my heart turns cold and wishes to close off to the world around me.  But despite my weak and aching heart, I knew God put me in this nursery for a reason, even for just a short season of my life.  I knew He was trying to soften my heart and teach me to serve always, especially His most precious.

Within the first couple Sundays in the nursery, my beautiful friend Princess Cosette came running into my lap and stayed by my side for the 2 hours of our time in nursery, and then each Sunday following.  Occasionally she would jump up and dance, or grab a toy or book for me to read, but she stayed close by, warming my lap and heart and filling my empty.  As if she knew I needed to feel His love.  She knew just how to show His love for me.

Each week I could feel my heart soften and have more faith in His plan for me.  The sting of infertility still haunts me and occasionally breaks me, but not for long.  I know how to fight stronger each time I face the darkness.

It was Princess Cosette that saved my heart, it was Princess Cosette that knew how to love and was sent directly in my path when I needed His love the most.  It is Princess Cosette that touches the hearts of so many now.

I've learned that even in or darkest hours, we can find a ray of light.  He is always there, He always hears our prayers, He listens and provides.  We just have to accept it in faith.

"Mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comfort"

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”  -albert pine

We Remember Moments

"We do not remember days, we remember moments"

Every year I consider doing a blog post on Mother's Day, and every year I chicken out.  For fear of being insensitive, or maybe because some of my thoughts are to sacred to share.  But this year, after much thought and prayer and personal enlightenment, I want to share some thoughts on motherhood. 

This morning, just as with every other Mother's Day (including before children), I was awakened by a faint knock at the door (I was actually already awake, checking social media for all the beautiful tributes to mothers) to breakfast in bed.  Its a tradition my husband started when we first realized that being a mother was not going to come easy to me.  It was his way of honoring me as a wife and woman.

And on that thought, this is where my apprehension in sharing comes in.  Even when we were in the thick of infertility and every day I felt my heart tear in bits and pieces when I ached for motherhood, I still loved Mother's Day.  I think in the back of my mind, I knew my Father in Heaven always had a plan for me and I would be a mother someday.  Whether in this life or the next.  As a pediatric nurse I considered all those little wonders part of my motherhood.

Many, many, many times in my married life and even life as a mother, I find myself being pulled away from my divine calling into thoughts of negativity.  This is definitely the adversary trying to squash my self-worth.  The thoughts of why not now, why me, am I not trustworthy enough to rear up your most precious; constantly plagued me.  Even thoughts of "why just two?", after being so blessed to have two children through adoption.  How selfish can it get?  To finally have the blessing of motherhood and my greediness to have more was all I could focus on.  Man, I hate that side of me.

And then....during one of our many attempts to adopt again, only to be heartbroken with the loss of the potential of twin girls, I was at another low point.  Struggling to know why God didn't see me fit to have all the 17 children I desired and yearned for.  In my desperate cry for answers, it came to me, in a quiet thought, "you are a mother for all".   What did that mean?  I didn't quite understand what He was trying teach me, because I am certainly no where near a mother to all, and I definitely didn't see myself as anywhere close to this.  

The Day we became a forever family of four

When Carl and I were married, and sealed for eternity, my grandpa Morgan (who married us) said this, "Love all people".  These three words have shaped me in more ways than anything else in my life.  I have tried to be that person that he taught us on that beautiful May day in the Logan Temple.  While pondering the thought, "you are a mother for all", these three words came roaring in like a train wreck.  My heart exploded with love for all the mothers I admired in church each week.  The mothers with 4 rowdy kids running through the store while she rolled up her sleeves and tied a bun in her hair, in preparation to face the daunting task of shopping with kids.  The mothers that sat in church with 7 little ones in tow, a baby crawling over her shoulder, the 3 year old tugging at her hair looking for attention, the two brothers fighting over the crayons.  The mothers at the park, resting their feet and bulging belly growing new life, while watching all their little children play in hopes to ensure she would end up with all of them when returning home.  

This love is when I realized He was trying to tell me that I was blessed with my two children so that I may have more arms and space in my heart for all the other mothers.  My job on this earth is to minister and assist other mothers in rearing their children.  And not to say that I planned to go to each mother and tell them how to parent or survive, because I am certainly not an expert or really have little experience with motherhood.  I just have the heart and desire to serve, and plenty of time and love to give to others.

My sister shared a talk with us this morning from Sis. Eubanks, First Counselor of the General Relief Society of the LDS Church.  I highly recommend this read, as it brought peace to my heart and confirmed the thoughts I have been having for several years now.  You can read it HERE.  

Mother's In Zion

Sister Eubanks says it far better than I can, so reading will be worth your time.  However, these are some things I learned from her talk.  She said this, "It must be that my Heavenly Parents don't view who I am at any static moment in time, but instead see the person I am meant to be and the person my accumulated choices will let me be".

God doesn't judge us for our circumstances, He sees us as who we are from what we are given, He sees our hearts and how He is able to use our hands to do His work.  He loves us for what we can do for others, not what we feel we are missing out on in this life.  My mother heart and desire to be a beacon for others is how He sees me each day.

I do not celebrate this Mother's Day without gratitude for the mother's that shared their unconditional love and devotion to being exactly what God asks of us to be.  My motherhood as it is, is given to me by not only a loving Heavenly Father, but by His daughters and sons that were selfless enough and loved enough to place theirs in my arms.  

In each day in my life, there have been many moments that I cherish beyond words.  Moments that have molded me and taught me how to love deeper and serve genuinely.  These moments come from the love I have received from others.  Their physical and emotional pain that they endured for my benefit is not unlike the love our Savior gives daily to us.  

 The moment she handed her and him to me, were moments only expressed through a lifetime of unending love for their children.  

Moments where the blessing of eternal families include so many more than just my little family of four.  Where I feel my Savior's love so real and warm like He is there holding me tight with His arms secure around my shoulders.

Moments when the look in their eyes speaks volumes of this love, the same love I pray to be able to share with so many others.

The moments when I realize, "you are a mother for all".  

Moments of being an aunt, a friend, a mentor, a leader, a neighbor and an instrument in His hands.