"Zander Bear" Introducing Tess Laeh...Zander's birthmom Part 1

Zanders Story.

When Paula first asked me to write this I was a little shocked I already hadn't. And when I realized I hadn't, I decided to do some research on her blog to see the kind of things people wrote about, to see if I could give a different perspective, however I learned I was overthinking much of it. So this is my story, Zander's birthmom, Tess Laeh.
I woke up around four in the morning in a panic. I had been so busy with school and working 2 jobs, it just occurred to me I was over a week late. Not too big of a deal, I'm usually irregular, right? But something in me felt different, as though I really didnt need to pee on that stick to know that I had really messed up. That I really didnt need that second little line to show up blue before I knew I was about to become a disappointment to my family, a laughing stock amoung my friends, and when it came right down to it, a really really stupid girl. But low and behold there it was, confirmation of everything that I was feeling showed up the darkest blue that second line could possibly be - I was pregnant.
How did I find myself in this predicament, didn't I know the risks in what I had been doing? The answer was simple, I was in love, and I didn't care about anything other than that at the time. There were no consequences in my mind, another persons life who didnt even exist at the time, who I was holding their fate. I was 19, in love with a boy, and wanted to express it and be as close as possible to him. It was selfish, but try explaining that to my 19 year old self.
I called my boyfriend immediately, over and over again at 4 am until he picked up. In a sleepy panicked slumber I hear "Is everything okay?" The only response I can muster to say is "No." "Whats wrong, whats going on?" "I'm pregnant."
I dont remember the rest of the conversation at all. I knew this was way worse news for him than it was for me. Afterall, he was LDS, his whole family was LDS, including all the siblings significant others, I was already a monkey wrench, and now this. I felt awful, I knew how much the church meant to him, and how his family would react to learning he was sexually active before marriage, let alone getting a girl pregnant.  Talks were had, we both morally hated the idea of abortion, and it wasn't even an option in either of our minds. The only other two choices were keep the child, or give it up for adoption. We caught the information early enough, we could hide it from our families for a few weeks while we thought about what to do.
I remember one big conversation we had, we were sitting at a park inside a car for hours. We both werent ready for a kid, but we both loved eachother and thought maybe the responsible thing to do was just to become parents. But we were both honest with eachother in that moment, and there were a couple things that need to be shared, even though its hard to admit.
Jonathan would have been able to drop out of school and work two jobs the next day so we would start our life that way. However, he remembered his father rarely being home, and he never wanted to be that kind of dad.
I could have also dropped out of school and become a stay at home mom, with Jonathan working like that. However, I knew I would regret not finishing school, and end up resenting  that I had to do that.
We had only been dating 4 months, and though we had no intention on leaving on another, it was scary to throw our relationship into something as life commiting as parenthood.
The worst thing we had to admit to ourselves that night was we were not the best choice for our soon to be child, and we wanted better for them. And trust me, it still hurts to know we were right. However, before you can see light, you have to surround yourself in darkness. 

The decision was made, we were going to give our child up for adoption.

Catching up

If I actually have followers and this blog is hopefully helping others out...thank you for sticking with me and thank you for your patience. I try to keep up with my blog and think about it often....does that count?  Wink wink

I have been thinking a lot about infertility lately and recently saw a news report on KSL in Utah with some amazing bloggers who also deal with infertility and adoption. The R House, a particular favorite of mine, was on this news report. Thank you to all the beautiful ladies and moms on there. One woman from www.countingblessingsnotsheep.blogspot.com said it perfectly when she said, "Just because we are mothers (through adoption, fertility treatments, modern medicine) doesn't mean the sting of infertility goes away"

Man I can agree with this whole heartedly. I am so very blessed to have my two beautiful littles, but I still yearn for the ability to carry a child, or I still struggle with our four year adoption silence.  People ask me if we are done adopting.....um, no. We've just had so many near misses that it tends to slow the process quite a bit.  If the Lord's plan for us is to have our two children and then focus our energies elsewhere, then I will thank him daily for my children and continue on....but I will always feel the sting of infertility and I will always want more littles.  I pray that in the next life I will have the wonderful opportunity to be the mother I always thought I would be here....with many, many littles. 

Now don't go thinking this is a pity post....its not, just sharing some thoughts I had. This blog is for those who may struggle with infertility, or even birth parents who need to hear other birth parents stories to help them through their decisions. I absolutely have the greatest admiration for birth parents. There is no greater love for a child than that of a Birthmother or birthfather that selflessly does what they feel is best for their little angels. 

My Loving Heavenly Father gave me his Son, for my eternal happiness. I see the same love for my children and others adopted, from those who placed them in my arms and others arms. 

I am excited to continue on this journey called life and do my little part to be a comfort to others. Thank you again for following and hopefully spreading the word. 

Coming very soon...more thoughts from birthparents. 

"I have a speech to give"

Today I was enjoying a little "baby holding" time after sacrament meeting and asked my kids to go to their classes by themselves.  As I headed to teach my class, I stopped by the primary room to check on the kids.  Zander was sitting in the front as if he was ready to give a talk.  I panicked a little, because I don't remember him being assigned to speak, so we weren't prepared.  The primary president came up to me to tell me that Zander walked in to the primary room and said, "I have a speech to give today and I want to say what I have to say, not from a magazine (Friend)"  I was a little nervous, I had no idea what he wanted to say.  It turns out the little girl that was supposed to give the talk was sick and they needed someone to give a talk.  Well, apparently Zander was ready to go. 
I pulled him aside and asked him what he wanted to talk about...."electricity" he said.  Well, good luck, I told the president.  And I went on to my class. 
I checked up on him after class and this is what I was told,

"Zander gave an amazing talk.  He did a great job, said what he had to say, then sat down."

After church I asked Zander to give us his talk....and this is what he shared with us.

"I have some things to share with you, God gave us electricity.  With electricity we can see things, like with a flashlight.  If there is a dark hole, you can use the electricity to see down it"

Now, I am no doctrinal scholar, but if you were to really listen to what he was saying, was he not talking about The Light of Christ.  What a great missionary he will be.  So blessed to be able to have him call me mom, and that the Lord has trusted Carl and I to raise one of his choicest sons.