Finding Peace in the Silence

 My daughter loves horses.  Its in her blood.  At our very first "face to face" meeting with Jerica, I was in awe of her beautiful hair and then she told us that she just had an ultrasound and saw Kya's hair.  They told us Jerica has a "mane" of hair, just like a horses tail and we all hoped Kya would have the same gorgeous hair.  We like to refer to Kya as the "animal whisperer", and that definitely includes horses.  She communicates with animals better than she does with humans. 

"When can we get horses mom?", "Why can't we now?", "Can we buy a house with land, so we can have horses?", "Can I ride someone else's horse?".  The questions are never ending, she even prays that we will one day soon be able to have horses.  My answer is often, "not now", "we don't have horses for you to ride all the time", "I don't know when we will have horses".  Its endless, and I just don't know how to answer her.  In the meantime, we have tried to get her riding lessons, but that's not exactly what she wants.  What is a mother to do?  So I stop talking about it, and if she inquires, I often answer with, "sweetie, I've already given you the answer, I don't know what else to tell you, not right now, maybe someday...." 

For five years we have tried to adopt again, and have had 3 birthmoms choose another option; another family or keep and 3 other potential scams.  Needless to say, its been difficult.  We have so many supporters and I am grateful for so many words of encouragement.  Many prayers have come our way, and for that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  However, I still have those feelings of "emptiness", and I know there are so many others out there that struggle as well. 

Just the other day, a beautiful mother of 18 children (half through adoption), reached out to me to send me words of encouragement and share a story with me from another mother.  Mama Karmel shared her miraculous story just days ago with the blessing of a little baby girl brought to her through adoption and truly angels.  Her story is fascinating and brought me to non-stop tears.  I was so touched by her story and my heart was full with the hope that she shares.  But then other feelings crept in.

Just when I start to find peace in the fact that I will probably only have two children, then thunder strikes.  A birthmom contacts us, or I read these stories and wonder why it's not happening the same way for me.  My tears of joy for Mama Karmel turned to tears of sorrow for my empty arms and feelings of being lost.  Why, when I am so blessed would I even allow the adversary to put those feelings and thoughts into my mind?  I called my husband, and I cried to him over the phone.  "If I am to only have two children, then thank you, but what else am I supposed to do?"  I know I have more to give, and I am very blessed to be a mother to the two greatest kids in the world.  But my kids are fairly easy, in that they are getting older, independent and well behaved (for the most part...wink wink).  So, what is it you would have me do, Lord?  I have love, service and time to give.  What can I do?  I know, as soon as I ask....then life gets too busy. 

My amazing husband is so calm and understanding of my silliness.  I am so blessed to have him as my sounding board...but he doesn't just listen, he knows what to say, even if I don't want to hear it.  And this is how he counseled me, he told me, 'I know you want certain things, and its great that you do, but I know that the Lord knows His plan for us and He will answer us when an answer is warranted.' 

Why does that mother get so many answers and another baby and I hear nothing?  Why does that other mother have so many kids, and I don't?  When is it my turn?  Why, Why, Why....???  I am sure the Lord is up there rolling his eyes, just as I do sometimes with my daughter when the questions just keep coming.  I've answered you, I don't know what else to tell you right now.  I don't have a horse for you right now.  Patience my dear.  Patience. 

My husband calls it, "radio silence".  "You've gotten your answer, its just not what you want to hear right now", Carl reminded me, "You can keep asking, but He doesn't have anything new right now".  My Heavenly Father is there, but he just doesn't have answer for me right now.  He's given me the answers necessary for me to move forward and be the best mother I can for my kids.  The radio silence is His patience with me.  Why can't I be patient with Him.

I know my Heavenly Father is there, and that He knows my sorrows and concerns.  I know this because He sent me comfort through another.  Post hysterectomy, a month ago, I knew that going to the gym to workout was not an option, but I had to do something to stay active and sane, so I started to walk along the Snake River Canyon Rim.  We have an amazing trail system with breathtaking views.  The sunrise in the morning is so peaceful and this seemed to be the perfect place for a refreshing walk.  One morning while walking alone and in my thoughts, I wore black pants and a black hoodie.  Not my normal attire, I am often in bright colored tops with matching shoes, and hair tied up in a high messy bun.  I must have wanted to be hidden from the world, focusing on the roller coaster I was on with our most recent birth mother experience (see previous posts for story).  A day or two after this walk, I got a call from a lady.  She said, "my name is Sue, and I met you a couple years ago while at girl's camp."  She was one of our fabulous cooks that year.  "I passed you while walking and you just didn't seem as chipper as I've seen you before.  I just felt like I needed to call you and see how you are doing".  WOW!  Someone, whom I've only met once, who had to call someone else to get my name and number, was inspired to "say hi, how are you?".  Later she tells me that while she was running past me she felt a strong impression to stop me, then and talk to me, she had other things to attend to and didn't know my name.  So she continued on her way.  Again she felt impressed to talk to me, even though she was surprised she even recognized me in my dark and mysterious appearance.  A day or two later, she called. 

This was the Lord telling me, "I hear you, I know you are there and I know your concerns, your worries, your questions.  I am here and I do hear you". 

So, how do I find peace in this "radio silence".  My husband gave me some things to think about...again.  You have to almost beat it into me.  That day I went to the temple, looking forward to being closer to my Father in Heaven, in hopes that I will find more peace.  I have prayed before, turning my heavy heart and empty, lost feelings over to Him.  Pleaing with Him to take this from me, I cannot not carry this burden anymore.  I want so badly to just have peace with this.  I've prayed, I've said it, am I really allowing Him to take this from me. 

I am still on this journey to find peace in the silence, its only been a few days of this new perspective, but as I sat in the temple and literally felt peaceful and calm with a feeling of comfort that my Heavenly Father and Lord and Savior KNOW ME.  They hear me, they let me know this with Sue. 

In Mama Karmel's story, she shares a talk from the October 2015 Conference by Russell M. Nelson, "A Plea to My Sisters".

After this "eye opening" experience with my husband and "radio silence", I went to this talk again and listened to it a few times.  Feel free to read the whole talk here, but I wanted to share a portion of it that has spoken to me during my "finding peace in the silence" journey...

My dear sisters, you who are our vital associates during this winding-up scene, the day that President Kimball foresaw is today. You are the women he foresaw! Your virtue, light, love, knowledge, courage, character, faith, and righteous lives will draw good women of the world, along with their families, to the Church in unprecedented numbers!⁶

We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!⁷

President Packer declared:

“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. …

“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”⁸

Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly."

I just love this talk, and have listened to it several time, this week alone.  As I continue to learn and grow on this journey of "finding the peace in the silence", I have learned that continuing to ask the same questions, is not necessarily going to give me the answer I want, or an answer at all right now.  There just isn't one to receive.  Just as when my kids ask me over and over for the same thing and I don't have an answer for them.  Timing and patience.  In the meantime, I can serve others and help other mother's survive their tough "mommy moments" to the best of my ability.  What kind of women am I or can I be, according to Elder Nelson's talk?  And that is my "peace" for now.