When Paula asked me to co-author this blog and tell my story, I was really excited about it. I have always wanted to help someone if I could, and I thought this would be a great way.
BUT… as I started thinking about what I would write, a lot of feelings came up that I have buried deep inside for almost 8 years now. It’s almost as if I am pregnant with Kya again because of how intense my feelings are and how vividly I can remember the situations. So, hopefully my story can help someone, but I am really hoping that by writing this down and re-living this I can actually help myself.
I guess every story starts at the beginning… so here we go!
Let me introduce myself: My name is Molly. Actually, it is Jerica, but Molly was a nickname I received my freshman year of High School. It is short for “Molly Mormon”. I was the epitome of Molly Mormon. I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t watch pg-13 movies, I had never said a swear word in my life (and if you swore around me I would let you know that I didn’t appreciate it). So yes, I was a little bit extreme. Which, I was proud of! I was proud that people knew my standards. My clothing was very modest; not tight, high neck, shorts to my knees. I read and prayed daily, went to church weekly, and attended seminary. I had never drank or done drugs, and because people knew how firm I was about my religion, they never offered them to me. I had plenty of friends who all shared my same values. I didn’t care about being the most popular or the hottest girl in school. I was content with living my life the way it was.
Then there was this boy…
He was new in school and he was “hot”! He played football, he was buff, he was nice and he was one of the “popular guys”. It didn’t take him long to get a girlfriend. He dated the really pretty girls who were also “popular”. I never, in a million years, thought he would go for me. So, I didn’t go out of my way to get his attention. I just admired from a distance.
One day in Driver’s Ed class, there was a new seating chart. And I was excited to see that he and I sat right next to each other! I was nervous and shy as we slowly started to get to know each other. Not only was this boy handsome, but he was charming and funny! This came to be my favorite class of the day, and he was the reason.
One day, he grabbed my Driver’s Ed booklet and wrote “Jerica is hott” on the front cover. I was a 14-year-old silly girl, so of course I freaked out. I showed all my friends and couldn’t stop looking at it. How could he be attracted to me? I was plain. I did the same hair-do every day, the way I dressed wasn’t at all sexy, and the only make-up I wore was mascara!
But for some reason, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
As we got to know and like each other more, I found myself changing.
My clothes started getting tighter and lower (which my dad was not happy about). The boy wasn’t asking me to change my appearance, I was doing it because I wanted him to stay with me. I have never had that great of self-esteem, so I still wondered why he would choose me. I thought that if I dressed more desirable, it would make him like me more. For some reason I became embarrassed to be such a “goody-goody” instead of being proud of it. I started changing the little things, such as drinking caffeine. Later, I decided to go to an R-rated movie with him so he would think I was cool. I felt so guilty though that I made myself fall asleep at the beginning of the movie. My parents didn’t know that I went to the movie, and that is definitely one of my first mistakes: hiding things from my parents. My relationship with my parents had always been really good and I didn’t want to mess it up. So I figured what they don’t know won’t hurt.
I would eventually find out that I was very wrong...
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