Cassidy's Story

We tried to get pregnant a couple of years after we were married but no success. We decided to make an appointment with a Fertility Specialist. They gave me an ultrasound to check my ovaries. So far so good, but then asked my husband if they could do a biopsy on him. Of course he was willing to do whatever it takes to find out some answers. I felt so bad for him, it was painful and so uncomfortable. But what we found out was very similar to your news. My husband has no sperm. He felt so bad that he couldn't get me pregnant. Of course he's not to blame, it's what it is. We now move on from here.So then we talked about our options. I definitely didn't feel comfortable or feel like it was right to go to a sperm bank for us. So we started talking about Adoption. Of course we didn't have any experience in adoption. At first, we had concerns and lots of questions. My husband was very concerned for our "future" child, and what our child would have to go through. We were new at this, and we didn't know how it was going to work. The more we prayed about it, our answer came that Adoption was going to be our way of having children. So we set up an interview with Bishop L., whom we respected so much and just loved him and his family. He also helped us with some of our concerns, since he understood what we were going through. :) The Adoption process (started in August 2003) opened our eyes to another world, we knew nothing about. It was exciting, disappointing at times, frustrating (due to our caseworker losing our papers and delaying us to be approved), but also amazing to meet with other couples in the same situation and meeting birthmothers and hearing their experiences. (That was our favorite part at our Core Training-The panel of those who are part of the miracle of Adoption). We could always feel the spirit so strong! We finished all of our paperwork and classes by November 2003. It was then time to wait to be approved. Our situation doesn't normally happen, but it took us a looooong time to be approved due to some frustrating things our caseworker did, or one thing or another. We were finally approved in May 2004. That was wonderful news, because now our profile was on-line and we could be discovered. When we started getting e-mails it was a mix of emotions to correspond with birthmothers and their families. It was like winning the lottery each time and we couldn't wait to reply back to them. Each birthmother was so special and different in their own way. They all had different concerns and questions. We started getting email after email from different birthmothers. It was very exciting! It was fun to huddle around the computer together and read each e-mail so carefully.

We particularly became close to a birthmother who already had two daughters and now expecting her 3rd child, and 3 months pregnant. She was going through a rough time in her life with her marriage and didn't want her baby to have a broken home. After a couple of months of correspondence she chose us to be her baby's parents, we really got to know each other. She wanted to meet face to face, during Spring Break (in March 2005). We were so scared about meeting face to face, but at the same time knew it was the right thing to do. See, we heard so many bad and negative things about an "open" adoption that we started to fear these things. But we just decided to hop on for the ride and just experience these new experiences as we go for ourselves, but what was important to us was just to always be true to our feelings and to be honest with any birthmother on how we felt, as we were going through the process. We understood we would all be going through this process together. Two weeks prior to our face to face with Holly, whom we developed a sweet relationship with, we got a phone call from her caseworker in Utah saying she changed her mind in meeting us. We were so sad! We didn't get any more information to why? We had so many questions and just wanted some answers. Did we do something wrong? Is she okay? We never heard from Holly again. We wanted to write her one more letter to express our feelings of love for her and that if she still needs someone to talk to that we will always be there. Even if it means we aren't chosen to be her baby's parents anymore. We wanted her to understand we love her and that we're not mad or that it doesn't change our relationship. We still had to get away from every day things and do something to cheer us up. So we decided to go on a cruise! That's definitely what we needed! Just to focus on each other, and have some fun. As time went on we kept corresponding with new birthmothers. It kept us busy. We still thought about Holly a lot and wondered how she was doing. Then a couple of months after we knew Holly probably had her baby now, we got an e-mail from Holly. It was a wonderful surprise! She told us how she and her husband worked through their differences and got some outside help and were doing so much better now. So they decided to keep the baby and keep their family together. She said she was dead set on placing her baby with us, but everything fell into place with her family. We were thrilled! That's what we wanted for her and for her family, to be able to have a happy home again and to be together. Even though we wanted to have a child we couldn't of asked for anything more for our friend. It definitely made us feel better. She had a healthy baby boy. She sent pictures and boy he had the most beautiful curly red hair. He was so cute!

As we continued to wait for some happy news in having a child we got the chance to know different birthmothers from all over the country (even one from Australia). We were so grateful for the response we received. But we still hadn't found our birthmother. We tried really hard to just continue enjoying life together. That summer we were asked to be a Ma & Pa for our Stake Pioneer Trek. We couldn't resist! It only happens every 4 years and we couldn't of asked for a better experience! It was pretty awesome, and amazing to walk the grounds where our pioneers walked, suffered, and showed such great faith. One of our previous Bishops, that we're close to, teased us that once we got back home we would be a Ma and Pa permanently since that's what happened to another couple, who was waiting to adopt. We just laughed and then hoped that would come true for us too.

Well lo and behold things went pretty fast once we got home from the trek. That's when we got an e-mail from a new birthmother that ended up being our birthmother forever. She was very young (16 years old) and going through a lot at home with her parents divorce. She was interested in having an open adoption. We realized we had so much in common. (I can write another book on just Krissy and what she means to us, but I know our story is already getting long.) We were always honest and up front with her even if it wasn't what she wanted to hear at the time. For example, one of her heartfelt questions right before placement was: "What if something happens to you and Derek could I have custody of Cassidy?" How do you answer that? I'm so grateful to my husband for being guided with the spirit that day and answered her question with a loving voice. He challenged her on how she was currently living her life and the choices she was making when it came to her own well being. Is she living her life the way that Cassidy deserves. Reminding her of why she's placing Cassidy with us in the first place. She wants Cassidy to have a mom and dad and to grow up in the church. Krissy wasn't active in the church at that time. To this day she remembers that day sitting in her apartment talking about these serious questions and thanks Derek for being strong and for listening to the spirit instead of just saying what would be easy and what she would want to hear. Through time we have become like family, Kaley is a little sister to us. We continue to keep in touch with e-mails, and phone calls. Of course not as often as we did the first year but just whenever one of us wants to talk and say hi we will automatically call or write. Just like any other friend or relative we talk to. Looking back all three of us can see what has happened since that special day of placement and it confirms each time why everything happened for a reason and how Heavenly Father has guided and prepared each one of us for this journey. He brought us together and we are all blessed for it. Since her selfless decision of placing her baby, she's strengthen her own testimony of the church, met a return missionary, got married to him (we had the chance to be there for her special day), had a baby boy, and just went through the temple last month to be sealed for time and all eternity to her hubby and son. We're so proud of her! She's been an inspiration to us and to our families. She will always be special and have a special place in our hearts. We all get along so well and even with her parents, siblings, and grandparents. We just hope and pray we can have as good as a relationship with our next birthfamily like we have with our baby girl's birth family. We totally recommend having an "open" adoption as long as everyone involved is comfortable to that experience. As you know Paula, it opens doors to all kinds of opportunities and what's better than embracing another huge family considered as another part of your family. Our sweet daughter has more people to love her now, and she is so blessed to have so many people that care so much for her. Of course we all understand our roles in the situation too. It just kind of happens naturally if you let it, the relationship and the openness. This is still our first experience so we're still just going along for the ride and don't know everything. Our daughter is now 2 1/2 years old and we're starting the adoption process all over again. It's very exciting! Cassidy is still the only girl on my side of the family out of 16 grandchildren. She truly is special in so many ways!

It was neat to be able to be there for the birth, I even cut the umbilical cord. :) But to have that baby placed in your arms from your baby's birthmom, there's no words to describe it! Like your picture on your blog, "Mother to Mother." We'll always be grateful to Krissy for that gift of being a witness to the miracle of birth and for blessing us with our sweet little angel. Our adoption story has given us a chance to meet so many wonderful, amazing people. And we have come in contact with so many people that we just meet on the street or at a store or at school that somehow they have been touched by adoption for good. You just never know who you're going to meet and instantly have a unique connection with because of that special bond of an adoption story.

(some names have been change for the protection of our sweet birthmothers)