Tess and Zander

Lately I've been writing more about life lessons I'm learning and experiences and trials.  This crazy roller coaster ride or rather life journey we are on.  This is all good and grand as we all learn how to deal with hurdles.  But tonight I wanted to share some simple precious moments we've had lately with our open adoption journey. 

Open adoption is a daily learning opportunity.  I've never done this before, I've never had a nine and seven year old before now with seven families to love them.  We are constantly experiencing new life lessons and ways to handle how Love makes a Family, not always blood. 

It hasn't always been easy, but its always worth the lesson. 

Zander was just a few months old when we were preparing for his adoption finalization and sealing in the temple to our eternal family.  Both sets of Zander's birth grandparents had been able to come and visit and spend time with our little baby boy.  He was such a tiny little baby, and had so much personality, very early on.  From very vocal lungs, just minutes after birth to a curious spirit and animated facial expressions as a baby, he has always brought spice to our family.  During their visits from states away, I would constantly share the similarities I was seeing in Zander and our family, and especially his similarities to me.  This was hard for Tess to hear, how could I try to compare this little boy that clearly was a big part of her, to me (not a biological mother)?

As an adoptive mother, learning how to raise children I had not born, was educational.  I have always felt strongly that once these children are in my care and in my home and family, then I was going to do my best to make sure they never felt "different" or less than anything but my children and our family.  It was my (and Carl's) responsibility to bring them 100%, wholeheartedly into our family.  Once their birthmoms hand them over to me, that's my job.

We love to find the "nature vs nurture" attributes in our children.  Its almost a fun game we play, trying to pick out their quirks or unique personalities and claiming those from us or naming those to a birthparent.  I love every bit of who my children are and where they came from and I will proudly own it all. 

For example, my son has a wild and creative personality.  The imagination running through his brain is mind blowing.  He has such a free spirit about him and will do things his own way and in his own time.  He was born with blonde hair, despite his Mexican and Italian blood, and beautiful olive skin.  Many times I would hold this little one in my arms and stare into his eyes, hold his little hands and feet and try as I might to find the similarities he and I shared.  But even in this same thought, I could not see past the beauty he held in his soul of where he came from, the qualities he possessed that he shared with Tess and Jon.  He has her eyes, he has her laugh, he has his charming dimples.  He was my child to raise and love and entrusted with, but not a day goes by that I don't see Tess and Jon in him. 

Unfortunately, I did not express this as well early on.  I was learning to be a mother, and entrusted to be his mother by another.  I searched hard to find the similarities he shared with me.  My daughter is just like her father, in personality, spirit and even looks.  I was determined to see me in my son.  But how could this biologically be?  This was a concern Tess had and feared we would forget what she had done for us.

To this day, as much as Zander is my son, I don't see him, without seeing her or Jon.  And I love that about my children.  That there is evidence of all of us in them, while they both still maintain their own uniqueness and absolute greatness as human beings.  My children know they are loved in our home and family and they truly are my children, but they came with so much more.  More greatness, more family, more beauty that I get to share with the world. 

Tess shared these pictures with me, from her recent visit to our home.  She made a special 8 hour drive to help me out just days after my hysterectomy a couple months ago.  Unfortunately, not only was I recovering and mostly bed ridden, Carl and Kya decided to come down with a nasty flu/cold that also put them down.  Thankfully, Zander did not get sick and was able to spend some precious one on one time with Tess. 

Again, precious moments that I cherish.  I am so grateful for Tess, Jerica and ultimately my Father in Heaven who first and lastly brought these children to my home, family and heart and have shared, entrusted and allowed me to be their mother. 

Finding Peace in the Silence

 My daughter loves horses.  Its in her blood.  At our very first "face to face" meeting with Jerica, I was in awe of her beautiful hair and then she told us that she just had an ultrasound and saw Kya's hair.  They told us Jerica has a "mane" of hair, just like a horses tail and we all hoped Kya would have the same gorgeous hair.  We like to refer to Kya as the "animal whisperer", and that definitely includes horses.  She communicates with animals better than she does with humans. 

"When can we get horses mom?", "Why can't we now?", "Can we buy a house with land, so we can have horses?", "Can I ride someone else's horse?".  The questions are never ending, she even prays that we will one day soon be able to have horses.  My answer is often, "not now", "we don't have horses for you to ride all the time", "I don't know when we will have horses".  Its endless, and I just don't know how to answer her.  In the meantime, we have tried to get her riding lessons, but that's not exactly what she wants.  What is a mother to do?  So I stop talking about it, and if she inquires, I often answer with, "sweetie, I've already given you the answer, I don't know what else to tell you, not right now, maybe someday...." 

For five years we have tried to adopt again, and have had 3 birthmoms choose another option; another family or keep and 3 other potential scams.  Needless to say, its been difficult.  We have so many supporters and I am grateful for so many words of encouragement.  Many prayers have come our way, and for that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  However, I still have those feelings of "emptiness", and I know there are so many others out there that struggle as well. 

Just the other day, a beautiful mother of 18 children (half through adoption), reached out to me to send me words of encouragement and share a story with me from another mother.  Mama Karmel shared her miraculous story just days ago with the blessing of a little baby girl brought to her through adoption and truly angels.  Her story is fascinating and brought me to non-stop tears.  I was so touched by her story and my heart was full with the hope that she shares.  But then other feelings crept in.

Just when I start to find peace in the fact that I will probably only have two children, then thunder strikes.  A birthmom contacts us, or I read these stories and wonder why it's not happening the same way for me.  My tears of joy for Mama Karmel turned to tears of sorrow for my empty arms and feelings of being lost.  Why, when I am so blessed would I even allow the adversary to put those feelings and thoughts into my mind?  I called my husband, and I cried to him over the phone.  "If I am to only have two children, then thank you, but what else am I supposed to do?"  I know I have more to give, and I am very blessed to be a mother to the two greatest kids in the world.  But my kids are fairly easy, in that they are getting older, independent and well behaved (for the most part...wink wink).  So, what is it you would have me do, Lord?  I have love, service and time to give.  What can I do?  I know, as soon as I ask....then life gets too busy. 

My amazing husband is so calm and understanding of my silliness.  I am so blessed to have him as my sounding board...but he doesn't just listen, he knows what to say, even if I don't want to hear it.  And this is how he counseled me, he told me, 'I know you want certain things, and its great that you do, but I know that the Lord knows His plan for us and He will answer us when an answer is warranted.' 

Why does that mother get so many answers and another baby and I hear nothing?  Why does that other mother have so many kids, and I don't?  When is it my turn?  Why, Why, Why....???  I am sure the Lord is up there rolling his eyes, just as I do sometimes with my daughter when the questions just keep coming.  I've answered you, I don't know what else to tell you right now.  I don't have a horse for you right now.  Patience my dear.  Patience. 

My husband calls it, "radio silence".  "You've gotten your answer, its just not what you want to hear right now", Carl reminded me, "You can keep asking, but He doesn't have anything new right now".  My Heavenly Father is there, but he just doesn't have answer for me right now.  He's given me the answers necessary for me to move forward and be the best mother I can for my kids.  The radio silence is His patience with me.  Why can't I be patient with Him.

I know my Heavenly Father is there, and that He knows my sorrows and concerns.  I know this because He sent me comfort through another.  Post hysterectomy, a month ago, I knew that going to the gym to workout was not an option, but I had to do something to stay active and sane, so I started to walk along the Snake River Canyon Rim.  We have an amazing trail system with breathtaking views.  The sunrise in the morning is so peaceful and this seemed to be the perfect place for a refreshing walk.  One morning while walking alone and in my thoughts, I wore black pants and a black hoodie.  Not my normal attire, I am often in bright colored tops with matching shoes, and hair tied up in a high messy bun.  I must have wanted to be hidden from the world, focusing on the roller coaster I was on with our most recent birth mother experience (see previous posts for story).  A day or two after this walk, I got a call from a lady.  She said, "my name is Sue, and I met you a couple years ago while at girl's camp."  She was one of our fabulous cooks that year.  "I passed you while walking and you just didn't seem as chipper as I've seen you before.  I just felt like I needed to call you and see how you are doing".  WOW!  Someone, whom I've only met once, who had to call someone else to get my name and number, was inspired to "say hi, how are you?".  Later she tells me that while she was running past me she felt a strong impression to stop me, then and talk to me, she had other things to attend to and didn't know my name.  So she continued on her way.  Again she felt impressed to talk to me, even though she was surprised she even recognized me in my dark and mysterious appearance.  A day or two later, she called. 

This was the Lord telling me, "I hear you, I know you are there and I know your concerns, your worries, your questions.  I am here and I do hear you". 

So, how do I find peace in this "radio silence".  My husband gave me some things to think about...again.  You have to almost beat it into me.  That day I went to the temple, looking forward to being closer to my Father in Heaven, in hopes that I will find more peace.  I have prayed before, turning my heavy heart and empty, lost feelings over to Him.  Pleaing with Him to take this from me, I cannot not carry this burden anymore.  I want so badly to just have peace with this.  I've prayed, I've said it, am I really allowing Him to take this from me. 

I am still on this journey to find peace in the silence, its only been a few days of this new perspective, but as I sat in the temple and literally felt peaceful and calm with a feeling of comfort that my Heavenly Father and Lord and Savior KNOW ME.  They hear me, they let me know this with Sue. 

In Mama Karmel's story, she shares a talk from the October 2015 Conference by Russell M. Nelson, "A Plea to My Sisters".

After this "eye opening" experience with my husband and "radio silence", I went to this talk again and listened to it a few times.  Feel free to read the whole talk here, but I wanted to share a portion of it that has spoken to me during my "finding peace in the silence" journey...

My dear sisters, you who are our vital associates during this winding-up scene, the day that President Kimball foresaw is today. You are the women he foresaw! Your virtue, light, love, knowledge, courage, character, faith, and righteous lives will draw good women of the world, along with their families, to the Church in unprecedented numbers!⁶

We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!⁷

President Packer declared:

“We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. …

“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”⁸

Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly."

I just love this talk, and have listened to it several time, this week alone.  As I continue to learn and grow on this journey of "finding the peace in the silence", I have learned that continuing to ask the same questions, is not necessarily going to give me the answer I want, or an answer at all right now.  There just isn't one to receive.  Just as when my kids ask me over and over for the same thing and I don't have an answer for them.  Timing and patience.  In the meantime, I can serve others and help other mother's survive their tough "mommy moments" to the best of my ability.  What kind of women am I or can I be, according to Elder Nelson's talk?  And that is my "peace" for now. 

We have a WINNER!

Yay, we have a winner for our $50 gift card.  Thank you everyone that participated in the "open adoption" survey contest.  I truly loved hearing the opinions and ideas of others views of open adoption.  Congratulations Mallory, you were our random picked winner.  Now go buy yourself something pretty.  Love a good giveaway!

As for the conclusion of our recent adoption story.  I've had a few people mention they want to hear the rest of the story.  As for Maddie, there is no more to the story, unfortunately we never did get confirmation of pregnancy from her and she has no longer contacted us. 

As for the lessons learn, there is a whole new story there.  I won't bore you with all the details, but I will share some of my insight and things I've learned.  I understand I am not the only one facing trials, we all have them and we all struggle with our own demons.  I also understand I am not the only one struggling with infertility or the desire to want more children.  Its a righteous desire and I'm sure I will always have this desire to be a mother to more children.  However, this desire does not replace and never will replace the feelings of gratitude I have for the two children I have been blessed with.  My life revolves around them and always will.  They are the reason for everything I do, everyday.  I am eternally grateful to their birthmothers, birthfathers and all our extended family we have gained through their adoptions.  My desire to be a mother again may never be fulfilled here on this earth, and I am finding peace in the fact that I am still a mother and have two amazing and beautiful children already. 

Everyone struggles, everyone has trials they sometimes wish they didn't have to deal with, but I am grateful for my trials because I often grow spiritually from them.  I have learned to look at others with a different light and try to be more understanding that they too are fighting.  I try to gain a greater understanding of my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  There is always a reason we face what we do, and as far as I understand, if we don't learn and grow from them, what is our purpose for our trials. 

I have no hard feelings towards Maddie, if anything I have a greater love for her and her reasons for contacting us in the first place that I cannot explain.  Putting ourselves out there for adoption is difficult, and sometimes can result is pain and confusion.  But it also allows for opportunities to love, it allows for eye opening experiences and ultimately offers opportunity for me to try to become more like my Savior, gaining unconditional love for all. 

Thank you for those who have read and shared.  Thank you for allowing me this outlet to "talk it out", "let it off my chest"...whatever the reason, I am grateful for my experiences.  I pray that by sharing, this can be received well with the best intentions and also portrayed for the reason of mostly learning and growing from our trials.