"my greatest desire, became my greatest challenge, which ultimately is my greatest blessing" I started this blog after seeing a friend start a blog for infertility and a place to go for support. Well, my husband and I are infertile and we have been blessed with the experience of adoption. This blog is for those who are looking for another option...the Option of Adoption.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Giveaway contest EXTENDED
Thursday, March 24, 2016
How "open" is "open adoption"?
I'm conducting a little survey/contest. We have a very open adoption in our family, but I have often wondered what it means to others to have an open adoption? What is the relationship between birth family and adoptive family. I'm putting this out there as my own little research. Please leave a comment here with your knowledge or ideas of open adoption. You do not need to be a part of a birth family or adoptive family to participate.
Please share and I would love your participation. The contest part comes in here...I will choose a winner from the comments in a week. Leave a comment, tag a friend, follow and share. Winner receives a $50 Visa gift card. Wahoo...let the comments begin.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Part 4
Maddie asked constantly, about every half hour, if we had gotten our answer. Finally on day 4, I responded with this. "We would love to move forward with you, get to know you and look into this adoption", sounds promising right?
"So you want my babies, then?"
"We would love them, can you get us some information and let's definitely stay in touch"
"Yea"
"Did you get your answer from God?"
"No, but we are moving forward with faith"
"Yea"
This is where my desperate attempts to find her a support system and proof of pregnancy came into play. I called counselors in her area, my own counselor locally, my adoption attorney and even bishops near her. She agreed to work with a counselor, but not an agency. I sent her the 13 page medical and social questionnaire, that she would eventually have to fill out for the completion of a legal adoption. Birthdad would have to do the same eventually. We needed to get the ball rolling and get information from her to be able to proceed forward.
By day 5, we still had not received any information from her including confirmation of pregnancy. I asked her when her next doctor's appt was and she told me in two weeks. Awesome, we can spend the time to continue to develop our own relationship. Unfortunately she was becoming more and more resistant to getting support and was focusing more on her own needs for attention. She had requested to contact one of our birthmoms on day 1, so she could get to know us through their eyes. I was able to get a hold of Jerica and she was more than willing to chat with Maddie. She wanted to know how long it took for us to know if Kya was our baby. "Why does she want to meet my parents?" "Why is it taking so long for them to know?" "How long did it take them to answer you?" "Why do my parents need to be involved" and so on. Tuesday, day 5, started off rough with a lot of resistance from her and the need of certainty for us. She contacted Jerica that "we were adopting the babies", after I told her we were moving forward. And Jerica heard very quickly that, "we got in a fight today", when she would not allow me to meet her parents. Or got upset because I encouraged her to stop drinking when she asked me what she should do, and then advised she drink water or juice.
Then, my world got dark, I felt myself falling, fast and hard. She informed me that the babies had not moved in a while. "What should I do?" Call the doctor, drink some water, you could be dehydrated. A call was made to the doctors, the uncertain decision to go to the hospital, finding a ride from a friend to take her (her car is broken) and her arrival and blood pressure were obtained...all within a matter of about 10 minutes. Wow, that was fast! I continued to correspond with her and even requested to chat with her on the phone, maybe even chat with the nurses, with her consent. We were needing to get some clarity and now that there was a threat of "miscarriage", we really needed some answers.
By the time she had been to the hospital and home in a very short time, after a whole day of non-stop conversation, I was tired, it was late and my eyes were nearly swollen shut with tears. My head was pounding and spinning and my heart was physically hurting. Carl was trying his best to console me and help me understand things as best he could. Why can't I just know for sure what it is I am supposed to do? If not more children, then what? I know I have so much to give, where else can I? Are these babies mine? Are there really babies there? Why won't she cooperate? Why won't she allow her parents to support her? Why was I so lost and so numb? Why, why, why? So many unanswered questions. I couldn't do it anymore, so I put my phone down and tried to ignore her constant texting.
"Why do you want to talk to doctor, they busy"
"Besides, I would have to tell them about you" This after already agreeing to sign a release of information form.
"Besides, I tired and want to go to bed"
"You right, I dehydrated, just want to go to bed"
"I hate water, I don't like drinking that"
"Jerica, did Paula talked to your doctor?"
"Were they ok with that?"
Finally, I texted and said, "ok, goodnight"
"Do you still want babies?"
What was she doing to me? Did she know that my heart was not only breaking for the potential loss of twins, or the idea of twins, but also breaking for her? If this is real, what can I do for her? If this is not, what can I do for her? Why can't I just have more children? It shouldn't be this hard, should it?
"Goodnight, we'll talk more in the morning", but our conversation didn't end there. She wanted to know why it was so important for her parents to be involved. She wanted to drink. I couldn't let her go then, with the possibility of that happening. So I did the best I could to end the night with love.
"Sweetie, drink lots of water, and it had to be explained to her again why, because you are dehydrated and need to take care of yourself and your babies"
"They are your babies", she would reply.
"Get some sleep and lets talk in the morning"
Phew, I was exhausted. This was only 10% of our conversations that day. I was in a "face down in the arena" moment. Quote from Brene' Brown's book "Rising Strong". (more on this book later)
Day 6:
"Good morning Maddie, how did you sleep?"
I tried to start the next day off with a positive note, and her replies were as if nothing happened the night before. Two job interviews that day for her, and her mom was home from work for her own birthday. After our usual small talk she shared with me that the babies were moving again. This is good news. "Are you drinking water?"
"I hate water"
"Add flavor to it"
"ya"
Often our conversations were on repeat. Just breath, I thought to myself.
"Why do you want to talk to my parents, or doctor?"
Was this unreasonable for me to ask? "If you say you want me to be the mother of your girls, then I would like to know how they are doing and their progress. I would also love to have you have a support team while you go through this. It's important to us that you have that"
"I an a adult, its not their decision"
I couldn't take anymore, she needed to cooperate, as we were willing to do whatever it took to help her from a distant.
"Maddie, I need you to get me proof of pregnancy, either with an ultrasound, the doctor's notes on your visit, a call to or from the doctor, you meeting with a counselor, attorney or agency or something to help us be able to move forward, this week please"
"Fine, I get you proof tomorrow, don't know why you need it, but I get it"
Thank you, that's all we need right now, in order to continue with adoption. If you want my friendship, love and attention, usually you just have to ask. I have a lot of love to give, but not when I am promised babies, for it. Preying on my vulnerability isn't an invitation for my love.
Three days went by, with small talk and excuses. I am upstairs, I'll get the doctor's name and number for you later. I am in the bathroom. I am in a mood, had a fight with boyfriend, I'll text you later. After the first time she told me about her being hit by her boyfriend, I did ask if I could call the police for her, this is not a good situation to be in. She refused. I'm lazy right now, don't want to get up. I forgot the doctor's name. I don't have money for a counselor. Although meeting with an LDS bishop initially is free, and possibly finding a counselor or financial aid wasn't going to work for her either. My car doesn't work, how would I get there. I don't want my parents to help me
One after the other, there was a reason she would not cooperate. She did however have a doctor's appointment on day 8. When the time passed for her to contact me about the appointment and how the babies were doing, I heard nothing. No texting, no calls, nothing.
"How was your appointment today?"
"Good"
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I tired"
"Did you sign the release form at the doctor's?"
"yes"
"Can I get the doctor's name so I can call?"
"I tired, got in fight with boyfriend, want to sleep" at 3 in the afternoon
"Maddie, please give me the name or give me something to work with or I will need to cut this off"
Silence
"Fine"
"Fine what?"
"Fine, cut me off"
Nothing.........................but heartache.
To be continued
"So you want my babies, then?"
"We would love them, can you get us some information and let's definitely stay in touch"
"Yea"
"Did you get your answer from God?"
"No, but we are moving forward with faith"
"Yea"
This is where my desperate attempts to find her a support system and proof of pregnancy came into play. I called counselors in her area, my own counselor locally, my adoption attorney and even bishops near her. She agreed to work with a counselor, but not an agency. I sent her the 13 page medical and social questionnaire, that she would eventually have to fill out for the completion of a legal adoption. Birthdad would have to do the same eventually. We needed to get the ball rolling and get information from her to be able to proceed forward.
By day 5, we still had not received any information from her including confirmation of pregnancy. I asked her when her next doctor's appt was and she told me in two weeks. Awesome, we can spend the time to continue to develop our own relationship. Unfortunately she was becoming more and more resistant to getting support and was focusing more on her own needs for attention. She had requested to contact one of our birthmoms on day 1, so she could get to know us through their eyes. I was able to get a hold of Jerica and she was more than willing to chat with Maddie. She wanted to know how long it took for us to know if Kya was our baby. "Why does she want to meet my parents?" "Why is it taking so long for them to know?" "How long did it take them to answer you?" "Why do my parents need to be involved" and so on. Tuesday, day 5, started off rough with a lot of resistance from her and the need of certainty for us. She contacted Jerica that "we were adopting the babies", after I told her we were moving forward. And Jerica heard very quickly that, "we got in a fight today", when she would not allow me to meet her parents. Or got upset because I encouraged her to stop drinking when she asked me what she should do, and then advised she drink water or juice.
Then, my world got dark, I felt myself falling, fast and hard. She informed me that the babies had not moved in a while. "What should I do?" Call the doctor, drink some water, you could be dehydrated. A call was made to the doctors, the uncertain decision to go to the hospital, finding a ride from a friend to take her (her car is broken) and her arrival and blood pressure were obtained...all within a matter of about 10 minutes. Wow, that was fast! I continued to correspond with her and even requested to chat with her on the phone, maybe even chat with the nurses, with her consent. We were needing to get some clarity and now that there was a threat of "miscarriage", we really needed some answers.
By the time she had been to the hospital and home in a very short time, after a whole day of non-stop conversation, I was tired, it was late and my eyes were nearly swollen shut with tears. My head was pounding and spinning and my heart was physically hurting. Carl was trying his best to console me and help me understand things as best he could. Why can't I just know for sure what it is I am supposed to do? If not more children, then what? I know I have so much to give, where else can I? Are these babies mine? Are there really babies there? Why won't she cooperate? Why won't she allow her parents to support her? Why was I so lost and so numb? Why, why, why? So many unanswered questions. I couldn't do it anymore, so I put my phone down and tried to ignore her constant texting.
"Why do you want to talk to doctor, they busy"
"Besides, I would have to tell them about you" This after already agreeing to sign a release of information form.
"Besides, I tired and want to go to bed"
"You right, I dehydrated, just want to go to bed"
"I hate water, I don't like drinking that"
"Jerica, did Paula talked to your doctor?"
"Were they ok with that?"
Finally, I texted and said, "ok, goodnight"
"Do you still want babies?"
What was she doing to me? Did she know that my heart was not only breaking for the potential loss of twins, or the idea of twins, but also breaking for her? If this is real, what can I do for her? If this is not, what can I do for her? Why can't I just have more children? It shouldn't be this hard, should it?
"Goodnight, we'll talk more in the morning", but our conversation didn't end there. She wanted to know why it was so important for her parents to be involved. She wanted to drink. I couldn't let her go then, with the possibility of that happening. So I did the best I could to end the night with love.
"Sweetie, drink lots of water, and it had to be explained to her again why, because you are dehydrated and need to take care of yourself and your babies"
"They are your babies", she would reply.
"Get some sleep and lets talk in the morning"
Phew, I was exhausted. This was only 10% of our conversations that day. I was in a "face down in the arena" moment. Quote from Brene' Brown's book "Rising Strong". (more on this book later)
Day 6:
"Good morning Maddie, how did you sleep?"
I tried to start the next day off with a positive note, and her replies were as if nothing happened the night before. Two job interviews that day for her, and her mom was home from work for her own birthday. After our usual small talk she shared with me that the babies were moving again. This is good news. "Are you drinking water?"
"I hate water"
"Add flavor to it"
"ya"
Often our conversations were on repeat. Just breath, I thought to myself.
"Why do you want to talk to my parents, or doctor?"
Was this unreasonable for me to ask? "If you say you want me to be the mother of your girls, then I would like to know how they are doing and their progress. I would also love to have you have a support team while you go through this. It's important to us that you have that"
"I an a adult, its not their decision"
I couldn't take anymore, she needed to cooperate, as we were willing to do whatever it took to help her from a distant.
"Maddie, I need you to get me proof of pregnancy, either with an ultrasound, the doctor's notes on your visit, a call to or from the doctor, you meeting with a counselor, attorney or agency or something to help us be able to move forward, this week please"
"Fine, I get you proof tomorrow, don't know why you need it, but I get it"
Thank you, that's all we need right now, in order to continue with adoption. If you want my friendship, love and attention, usually you just have to ask. I have a lot of love to give, but not when I am promised babies, for it. Preying on my vulnerability isn't an invitation for my love.
Three days went by, with small talk and excuses. I am upstairs, I'll get the doctor's name and number for you later. I am in the bathroom. I am in a mood, had a fight with boyfriend, I'll text you later. After the first time she told me about her being hit by her boyfriend, I did ask if I could call the police for her, this is not a good situation to be in. She refused. I'm lazy right now, don't want to get up. I forgot the doctor's name. I don't have money for a counselor. Although meeting with an LDS bishop initially is free, and possibly finding a counselor or financial aid wasn't going to work for her either. My car doesn't work, how would I get there. I don't want my parents to help me
One after the other, there was a reason she would not cooperate. She did however have a doctor's appointment on day 8. When the time passed for her to contact me about the appointment and how the babies were doing, I heard nothing. No texting, no calls, nothing.
"How was your appointment today?"
"Good"
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I tired"
"Did you sign the release form at the doctor's?"
"yes"
"Can I get the doctor's name so I can call?"
"I tired, got in fight with boyfriend, want to sleep" at 3 in the afternoon
"Maddie, please give me the name or give me something to work with or I will need to cut this off"
Silence
"Fine"
"Fine what?"
"Fine, cut me off"
Nothing.........................but heartache.
To be continued
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Part 3...and the story continues. Part 4 very shortly behind.
I feel a little bad. My initial intention was not for this story to be a cliffhanger. However, it's a bit of a story and I knew I wouldn't be able to write it all in one night, so I had to break it up. So I apologize for making everyone wait for the truth of the story. And unfortunately I don't have a baby in my arm ending of the story. It's simply a life lesson, and education opportunity of the reality of the roller coaster ride called, "Adoption". Seriously, I should design an amusement ride that takes one through the peaks and valleys of adoption. What a ride that could be!
Well, Maddie and I were connected every day for over a week, usually with a simple "Hi" in the morning, that followed with the activities of our days. Maddie was needing someone to talk to, she needed love and attention. We even had a great FaceTime conversation. The majority of the call was small talk and me looking up her nose. She was watching a movie during our call and I think she must have forgotten that she was on FaceTime.
I was still very concerned with many "red flags", namely her constant comments regarding drinking, "Why is it bad", "Life is hard and it helps", "I don't drink very often". Then to her desperate cry for help when she would talk about her boyfriend's controlling behaviors, punching her in the stomach when she told him she was pregnant, or him "ripping up the ultrasound". I found this out when I asked to see it and see the babies, where in the back of my mind, it was my first attempt to get "proof of pregnancy". This is important in the very early stages of any adoption story. In the past we had either met with birth moms face to face and could clearly see their cute baby bumps, or were corresponding with agencies that could confirm this information for us. Family, case workers, doctors, attorneys; these were all our ways of confirming the pregnancy before. With Maddie, it was pulling teeth trying to get proof. She did send me a picture of herself, but I really couldn't see a baby bump. No worries, she would get to the doctor again and I would get my confirmation.
The days went on and she was very persistent with the need to know our answer as to whether or not we would adopt the twins. With so many concerns and uncertainties still out there, we still hadn't received our answer. This is so difficult for me at times.
With Kya's adoption, I spent countless nights praying to my Father in Heaven. I may have even begged a little. "Please let whatever birthmother that finds us, be unique to us. I pray that our 'story' will be so special to us that we will just know". My prayer was answered, the words that came out of grandma's (Jerica's mom) mouth were the answer to my prayers. "This baby was grown in Hawaii". Jaw dropping moment for me. I was born in Hawaii. That was my baby, without a doubt, I felt it, I knew. My heart pounded and joy filled my soul in that very moment. Even through the tough times before Kya's birth....I still knew. With Zander, we had a similar experience. If you've already read it, I apologize for the repeat, but it applies here. I was awakened in the middle of the night with a potty training little girl. Once she was back in bed and sound asleep (I love to watch my kids sleep sometimes) I lay wide awake in my bed with the nagging thought that I needed to update my family blog, the blog we shared with birthfamilies in our profile of our little family. Updating my blogs seem to be a repeat offense for me. Well, we had recently moved, were in the middle of our first house complete remodel and I had neglected to post in a while. I couldn't sleep until I posted something. The next day, Tess found us. She had prayed the day before for us to post so she could get her answer. That night, the Lord woke me up and told me to get her an answer. I knew that was my baby.
Didn't we deserve to know about these little baby girl twins the same way? This is what Carl believes. I often question, "do we need to just have faith and jump in with both feet, He will answer us later?" Faith, that's what it was going to take, we just needed A LOT of faith. Why did I still feel numb and why hadn't we gotten our answer yet. It seemed so easy before. Ever since Zander's story, we have struggled with the answer. Which then leaves me to believe I may not be a mother again in this life. This thought hurts, it truly brings pain to my heart of the idea I may be done. I just can't bring myself to say it, "I'm done". Is a mother ever really done? Even though her family feels complete, can a mother honestly say they are done? I may stand alone in this thought, and that is ok with me, but it's a battle I fight everyday.
Maddie.
Well, Maddie and I were connected every day for over a week, usually with a simple "Hi" in the morning, that followed with the activities of our days. Maddie was needing someone to talk to, she needed love and attention. We even had a great FaceTime conversation. The majority of the call was small talk and me looking up her nose. She was watching a movie during our call and I think she must have forgotten that she was on FaceTime.
I was still very concerned with many "red flags", namely her constant comments regarding drinking, "Why is it bad", "Life is hard and it helps", "I don't drink very often". Then to her desperate cry for help when she would talk about her boyfriend's controlling behaviors, punching her in the stomach when she told him she was pregnant, or him "ripping up the ultrasound". I found this out when I asked to see it and see the babies, where in the back of my mind, it was my first attempt to get "proof of pregnancy". This is important in the very early stages of any adoption story. In the past we had either met with birth moms face to face and could clearly see their cute baby bumps, or were corresponding with agencies that could confirm this information for us. Family, case workers, doctors, attorneys; these were all our ways of confirming the pregnancy before. With Maddie, it was pulling teeth trying to get proof. She did send me a picture of herself, but I really couldn't see a baby bump. No worries, she would get to the doctor again and I would get my confirmation.
The days went on and she was very persistent with the need to know our answer as to whether or not we would adopt the twins. With so many concerns and uncertainties still out there, we still hadn't received our answer. This is so difficult for me at times.
With Kya's adoption, I spent countless nights praying to my Father in Heaven. I may have even begged a little. "Please let whatever birthmother that finds us, be unique to us. I pray that our 'story' will be so special to us that we will just know". My prayer was answered, the words that came out of grandma's (Jerica's mom) mouth were the answer to my prayers. "This baby was grown in Hawaii". Jaw dropping moment for me. I was born in Hawaii. That was my baby, without a doubt, I felt it, I knew. My heart pounded and joy filled my soul in that very moment. Even through the tough times before Kya's birth....I still knew. With Zander, we had a similar experience. If you've already read it, I apologize for the repeat, but it applies here. I was awakened in the middle of the night with a potty training little girl. Once she was back in bed and sound asleep (I love to watch my kids sleep sometimes) I lay wide awake in my bed with the nagging thought that I needed to update my family blog, the blog we shared with birthfamilies in our profile of our little family. Updating my blogs seem to be a repeat offense for me. Well, we had recently moved, were in the middle of our first house complete remodel and I had neglected to post in a while. I couldn't sleep until I posted something. The next day, Tess found us. She had prayed the day before for us to post so she could get her answer. That night, the Lord woke me up and told me to get her an answer. I knew that was my baby.
Didn't we deserve to know about these little baby girl twins the same way? This is what Carl believes. I often question, "do we need to just have faith and jump in with both feet, He will answer us later?" Faith, that's what it was going to take, we just needed A LOT of faith. Why did I still feel numb and why hadn't we gotten our answer yet. It seemed so easy before. Ever since Zander's story, we have struggled with the answer. Which then leaves me to believe I may not be a mother again in this life. This thought hurts, it truly brings pain to my heart of the idea I may be done. I just can't bring myself to say it, "I'm done". Is a mother ever really done? Even though her family feels complete, can a mother honestly say they are done? I may stand alone in this thought, and that is ok with me, but it's a battle I fight everyday.
Maddie.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Part 2, Heartbreaking truth
I woke up early this morning, not able to sleep. Reread last night's blog post and realized how I truly left you hanging. There is so much more to this story, that I didn't feel comfortable stopping there. However, when you are up til wee hours of the morning, your brain starts to turn to moosh, and that is exactly what was happening last night (technically, this morning).
The past two weeks have been peak and valleys to say the least. I have lived through moments of excitement, curiosity, vulnerability, pure hell, sense of loss, and an attempt at acceptance. Ultimately resulting in deep soul searching and falling to my knees, only to wear out all the knees in my pants. Holy pants and torn jeans are the new fashion, right. Well prayer has put me into the lastest trends, if not, I'm bringing them back!
So, was this for real? Were we going to be parents of twin girls, only to have a 7 and 9 year gap between our children. Were we ready for it, again? Did it matter? If those are my babies, I didn't care, about any of those concerns. So, I jumped in with both feet, getting to know Maddie, but somehow still holding onto the rope behind me that told me, "nope, this feels odd".
Before we met Kya's birthmom, the week before, we met with our very first birthmother. Our very first contact, 7 months after our adoption journey began. With a few email correspondence, here's what we knew. Birthmom was from Ogden, Utah (we were living in Logan at the time), she was carrying twin girls, and I thought I was on cloud 10....yup, in my world there are more than 9 clouds. We spoke with our caseworker, adoption counselor, who at the time was getting ready to retire, and we were advised to try to meet with birthmom in a neutral setting, preferably with another counselor, birthmom's perhaps. Well, this wasn't going to work out, because she didn't have one yet? Red flag? Carl and I decided to go ahead and set up a face to face with her, but it would have to be on our own. Our agency was wonderful to work with, but with some of the office changes going on at the time, we had to proceed on our own in some things.
We drove down to Ogden, picked her up from her apartment complex and took her out for ice cream. Ice cream is always a great "ice" breaker. It was a lovely evening, small talk and all, and then it happened. She reached across the table, grabbed my hands in hers, and said, "I want you to be the parents of my little baby girl"......Huh?
That's all I felt, "huh?". Ok, that's cool, as if my high school bestie just told me that she was going to try out for the band, cool. It's all I had, I was overcome with questions, and numbness. I thought you were having twin girls? Are you sure? Why am I not running through the ice cream shop doing cartwheels and jumping for joy? We were just "chosen".
These same feelings were creeping right back in with Maddie, and yet, I wanted so bad for this to be the next chapter of our family story, even if it had to be the ending. Twins. I always wanted twins. I was even willing to adopt another little girl the same time we were blessed with Zander, just so I could pretend to have twins. Its pathetic, I know. I'll do whatever I am ask to do, dear Lord.
Maddie and I grew close, in a matter of days, if not hours. I am very honest in my questioning and she was more than willing to accommodate me with the answers. How does birthdad feel? Why won't you tell your parents? Why won't you work with an agency? Do you have health insurance? Can I send you a medical and social history questionnaire for you to fill out, 13 pages long? This is how the conversation went on my end. Birthdad doesn't care, is it bad for the babies to be hit in the stomach? Agencies think I am a fraud, because of my miscarriage last year. My parents will kick me out. Yes, I have health insurance. I wish I had a job. Nobody cares about me. Is it bad to drink while I'm pregnant? Stop right there! This is where it got real, real fast for me. NO, its not ok to drink while you are pregnant. "Why not?" I understand very well that she had a learning disability, but was she serious? Were there red flags, everywhere?
Carl is very protective of me, my emotions and his own feelings as well. He said right up front, I am not going to get emotionally attached until I get an answer from the Lord. Fair enough, I agree, but I can't emotionally step out. I already started to develop a love for Maddie. Her life was less than ideal, she was reaching out for help, for love, for attention. I have more than enough of this to give, when my heart isn't being played with. But I continued on, calling our attorney's office, making several calls and leaving messages with the LDS Family Services counselor in Columbus, Ohio, leaving messages with the Bishop of the LDS church near Maddie's home. I was desperately trying to build her a team, her own support system. I even asked to speak with her doctor, with her consent of course. She agreed to all that, just not her parents. I needed to know that she had help, she had someone to talk to during this difficult decision. I needed to know that she was pregnant. That's right, we still hadn't received confirmation of the pregnancy, but I would push on, it was still early. It's not about the babies for me in the early stages of an open adoption relationship. Our birthmothers become my sisters and all I care about is them. And Maddie needed me. I saw all the red flags she was waving, but she still needed me. And I needed to know that there was a possibility that I would be a mother, again. I needed this to hold onto. Until you prove otherwise to me, all people are good. Does this make me vulnerable, weak or stupid? Maybe? Does it make me human? Yes? Does it make me vulnerable, dangling my heart out there for others to crush, stomp on, only after playing with like a hacky sack for a while? Absolutely. But the idea of being a mother again....its all worth it. Its the price I'm reluctantly willing to pay. Isn't that why we are here?
"Did you hear from God today?" This was the question I got on my text, just about every 20 minutes on days 3 and 4 of our little charade.
"Yes I did, but not about the babies, yet". Why wasn't He telling me this was right? Why did I still feel numb, like I did with birthmom Sarah in 2006? When only a week after meeting Sarah, we met Kya's and there was, without a doubt, a loud and resounding, 'YES, that is your baby'.
Maddie was persistent. She wanted us to be the parents, "how you feel bout that?", she would ask. How do I feel about that? Ecstatic! Thrilled! Beyond words! Emotions cannot properly be described when you think you could be a mother. But why the numbness too?
I wasn't going to give up, just yet!
The past two weeks have been peak and valleys to say the least. I have lived through moments of excitement, curiosity, vulnerability, pure hell, sense of loss, and an attempt at acceptance. Ultimately resulting in deep soul searching and falling to my knees, only to wear out all the knees in my pants. Holy pants and torn jeans are the new fashion, right. Well prayer has put me into the lastest trends, if not, I'm bringing them back!
So, was this for real? Were we going to be parents of twin girls, only to have a 7 and 9 year gap between our children. Were we ready for it, again? Did it matter? If those are my babies, I didn't care, about any of those concerns. So, I jumped in with both feet, getting to know Maddie, but somehow still holding onto the rope behind me that told me, "nope, this feels odd".
Before we met Kya's birthmom, the week before, we met with our very first birthmother. Our very first contact, 7 months after our adoption journey began. With a few email correspondence, here's what we knew. Birthmom was from Ogden, Utah (we were living in Logan at the time), she was carrying twin girls, and I thought I was on cloud 10....yup, in my world there are more than 9 clouds. We spoke with our caseworker, adoption counselor, who at the time was getting ready to retire, and we were advised to try to meet with birthmom in a neutral setting, preferably with another counselor, birthmom's perhaps. Well, this wasn't going to work out, because she didn't have one yet? Red flag? Carl and I decided to go ahead and set up a face to face with her, but it would have to be on our own. Our agency was wonderful to work with, but with some of the office changes going on at the time, we had to proceed on our own in some things.
We drove down to Ogden, picked her up from her apartment complex and took her out for ice cream. Ice cream is always a great "ice" breaker. It was a lovely evening, small talk and all, and then it happened. She reached across the table, grabbed my hands in hers, and said, "I want you to be the parents of my little baby girl"......Huh?
That's all I felt, "huh?". Ok, that's cool, as if my high school bestie just told me that she was going to try out for the band, cool. It's all I had, I was overcome with questions, and numbness. I thought you were having twin girls? Are you sure? Why am I not running through the ice cream shop doing cartwheels and jumping for joy? We were just "chosen".
These same feelings were creeping right back in with Maddie, and yet, I wanted so bad for this to be the next chapter of our family story, even if it had to be the ending. Twins. I always wanted twins. I was even willing to adopt another little girl the same time we were blessed with Zander, just so I could pretend to have twins. Its pathetic, I know. I'll do whatever I am ask to do, dear Lord.
Maddie and I grew close, in a matter of days, if not hours. I am very honest in my questioning and she was more than willing to accommodate me with the answers. How does birthdad feel? Why won't you tell your parents? Why won't you work with an agency? Do you have health insurance? Can I send you a medical and social history questionnaire for you to fill out, 13 pages long? This is how the conversation went on my end. Birthdad doesn't care, is it bad for the babies to be hit in the stomach? Agencies think I am a fraud, because of my miscarriage last year. My parents will kick me out. Yes, I have health insurance. I wish I had a job. Nobody cares about me. Is it bad to drink while I'm pregnant? Stop right there! This is where it got real, real fast for me. NO, its not ok to drink while you are pregnant. "Why not?" I understand very well that she had a learning disability, but was she serious? Were there red flags, everywhere?
Carl is very protective of me, my emotions and his own feelings as well. He said right up front, I am not going to get emotionally attached until I get an answer from the Lord. Fair enough, I agree, but I can't emotionally step out. I already started to develop a love for Maddie. Her life was less than ideal, she was reaching out for help, for love, for attention. I have more than enough of this to give, when my heart isn't being played with. But I continued on, calling our attorney's office, making several calls and leaving messages with the LDS Family Services counselor in Columbus, Ohio, leaving messages with the Bishop of the LDS church near Maddie's home. I was desperately trying to build her a team, her own support system. I even asked to speak with her doctor, with her consent of course. She agreed to all that, just not her parents. I needed to know that she had help, she had someone to talk to during this difficult decision. I needed to know that she was pregnant. That's right, we still hadn't received confirmation of the pregnancy, but I would push on, it was still early. It's not about the babies for me in the early stages of an open adoption relationship. Our birthmothers become my sisters and all I care about is them. And Maddie needed me. I saw all the red flags she was waving, but she still needed me. And I needed to know that there was a possibility that I would be a mother, again. I needed this to hold onto. Until you prove otherwise to me, all people are good. Does this make me vulnerable, weak or stupid? Maybe? Does it make me human? Yes? Does it make me vulnerable, dangling my heart out there for others to crush, stomp on, only after playing with like a hacky sack for a while? Absolutely. But the idea of being a mother again....its all worth it. Its the price I'm reluctantly willing to pay. Isn't that why we are here?
"Did you hear from God today?" This was the question I got on my text, just about every 20 minutes on days 3 and 4 of our little charade.
"Yes I did, but not about the babies, yet". Why wasn't He telling me this was right? Why did I still feel numb, like I did with birthmom Sarah in 2006? When only a week after meeting Sarah, we met Kya's and there was, without a doubt, a loud and resounding, 'YES, that is your baby'.
Maddie was persistent. She wanted us to be the parents, "how you feel bout that?", she would ask. How do I feel about that? Ecstatic! Thrilled! Beyond words! Emotions cannot properly be described when you think you could be a mother. But why the numbness too?
I wasn't going to give up, just yet!
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Heart breaking truth Part 1
I've decided to pick up my blog again and share more thoughts on adoption. Not sure how consistent this will be, but I will try. It looks like there is a part 2, to Tess's story, so we'll have to check in on that later.
Today I want to start to share my latest experience with adoption. I was sitting on my couch reading a book, while Kya sat on my computer working on one of her "books". She loves to read and create stories of her own. Zander sat on his knees, leaning up against the coffee table composing his latest work of art, the next Picasso or Van Gough lives in my house. I was distracted from my reading when my phone text chimed. I looked down to see a number I didn't recognize, but being a business owner, I will rarely ignore a text. Carefully picking up the phone to see what this stranger had to say, all that it said was, "Hi". Ok, who is prank texting me, and who got this number. I've received odd texts like this before, and have had some interesting conversations with "text pals" who were reaching out to friends or family who used to have my current number. Reluctantly, I replied with a simple and innocent "Hi". Just seconds later two texts rang through. "Sorry to text just want help" "Want a family for my babies". What? Who is this, and how did you get my number? I was a little taken back, considering we have been "trying to adopt" since my son was 2, now 7.
We have been through 2 scams and 3 legit birthmoms who ultimately went a different direction, not to mention the short lived relationships with birthmoms we've had entailing a quick inquiry email or contact and then no further correspondence. The beauty of adoption for birthmothers is they have so many options when it comes to the decisions they make in the best interest of their sweet angels. On the flip side, they have a lot of options, and choosing the right one, is no easy task. As an adoptive mom, I don't know exactly what birthmoms go through during this process, but I have many dear birthmother friends and two birthmoms of my own to get an idea if not empathize with them regarding their decisions and the whys.
So, who was this, how did they get my number and was this a prank, or mistake. I'm not usually paranoid, but when my heart is in play, I can be skeptical. My response, "Wow, thank you for considering us. How did you get my number?"
"Adoption"
"Ok, you found us on adoption.com?"
Phew, that makes sense, we are on parentprofiles.com through adoption.com. Although, this is our first contact through there in a year. Moving forward cautiously I asked, "What do you mean, 'a family for babies?"
"I pregnant"
"Are you looking at other families?"
"Yes, but none want twins"
"Oh, wow, you're having twins"
"Ya, girls"
"That's exciting. What is your name?"
"Name Madeline (name changed)"
"Cool"
"Ya"
"Tell me about yourself"
Maddie proceeds to tell me that she is 24, no job, has an older sister, boyfriend that is controlling and no job either. We continued with small talk for the remainder of the evening. She said she miscarried last May and doesn't want her parents involved because they will kick her out if she "gets pregnant again". Her English seemed very broken to me, and as I have received texts from other birthmothers internationally, I was curious where she was from, so I asked. When it comes to open adoption, in our family, we feel it is very important to communicate honestly from day1.
"Your English seems a little broken, are you from another country?"
"No, Ohio"
"Oh ok, just wondered, I'm sorry if I offended you with my question?"
"No, learning disability"
"Ok, I understand"
We continued to get to know each other via texting. My curiosity spikes and my hands start to shake, as my heart is racing. Tears even begin to form in my eyes with the idea that this may be real, we could possibly be looking forward to twin girls. Wow! Its true what they say, life happens when you've stopped living it....or something like that. Not that I have given up, but "the waiting game" in adoption is tough and if you occupy your days, hours and minutes with worrying or checking profiles and emails constantly, time will slow down to a slugs pace. I literally have "gone insane" during the wait.
In the spring of 2013, I had to step back and take a little mini vacation from our adoption journey. All my energy and attention was in our search for our next baby. I recall one time when I was curled up on my bed, trying to hide under the covers, from the world, from my life and even my children. Only to find myself pulling out the computer to check my emails, in hopes of a birthmother contact, then I went to our profile, skimming over the "statistics" page. How many views had we had that day, what pages did they visit, and how long were they on our profile? These actions consumed my days. My poor children were not getting the mother they deserved. As I set my computer down, in a moment of weakness and pure heartbreak because no one viewed the page that day, nor were there any emails from birthmoms. I started to bawl. Crocodile tears ran down my face and I heard my children playing in the next room. Its as if a lighting bolt struck and I thought, "I don't want my children to grow up thinking, 'all mom ever cared about was another baby, she didn't care about us'" This tore through my heart like a searing hot knife cutting a plastic bottle in half with ease. This was an wake up call moment for me. That night, I told my husband I needed a brake. I needed time away from adoption. My kids needed and deserved their mother and her love and attention. They are growing up fast and I didn't want to miss another minute of this.
But was this finally it, were we finally finding our children to complete our family? The story goes on, another day.
Today I want to start to share my latest experience with adoption. I was sitting on my couch reading a book, while Kya sat on my computer working on one of her "books". She loves to read and create stories of her own. Zander sat on his knees, leaning up against the coffee table composing his latest work of art, the next Picasso or Van Gough lives in my house. I was distracted from my reading when my phone text chimed. I looked down to see a number I didn't recognize, but being a business owner, I will rarely ignore a text. Carefully picking up the phone to see what this stranger had to say, all that it said was, "Hi". Ok, who is prank texting me, and who got this number. I've received odd texts like this before, and have had some interesting conversations with "text pals" who were reaching out to friends or family who used to have my current number. Reluctantly, I replied with a simple and innocent "Hi". Just seconds later two texts rang through. "Sorry to text just want help" "Want a family for my babies". What? Who is this, and how did you get my number? I was a little taken back, considering we have been "trying to adopt" since my son was 2, now 7.
We have been through 2 scams and 3 legit birthmoms who ultimately went a different direction, not to mention the short lived relationships with birthmoms we've had entailing a quick inquiry email or contact and then no further correspondence. The beauty of adoption for birthmothers is they have so many options when it comes to the decisions they make in the best interest of their sweet angels. On the flip side, they have a lot of options, and choosing the right one, is no easy task. As an adoptive mom, I don't know exactly what birthmoms go through during this process, but I have many dear birthmother friends and two birthmoms of my own to get an idea if not empathize with them regarding their decisions and the whys.
So, who was this, how did they get my number and was this a prank, or mistake. I'm not usually paranoid, but when my heart is in play, I can be skeptical. My response, "Wow, thank you for considering us. How did you get my number?"
"Adoption"
"Ok, you found us on adoption.com?"
Phew, that makes sense, we are on parentprofiles.com through adoption.com. Although, this is our first contact through there in a year. Moving forward cautiously I asked, "What do you mean, 'a family for babies?"
"I pregnant"
"Are you looking at other families?"
"Yes, but none want twins"
"Oh, wow, you're having twins"
"Ya, girls"
"That's exciting. What is your name?"
"Name Madeline (name changed)"
"Cool"
"Ya"
"Tell me about yourself"
Maddie proceeds to tell me that she is 24, no job, has an older sister, boyfriend that is controlling and no job either. We continued with small talk for the remainder of the evening. She said she miscarried last May and doesn't want her parents involved because they will kick her out if she "gets pregnant again". Her English seemed very broken to me, and as I have received texts from other birthmothers internationally, I was curious where she was from, so I asked. When it comes to open adoption, in our family, we feel it is very important to communicate honestly from day1.
"Your English seems a little broken, are you from another country?"
"No, Ohio"
"Oh ok, just wondered, I'm sorry if I offended you with my question?"
"No, learning disability"
"Ok, I understand"
We continued to get to know each other via texting. My curiosity spikes and my hands start to shake, as my heart is racing. Tears even begin to form in my eyes with the idea that this may be real, we could possibly be looking forward to twin girls. Wow! Its true what they say, life happens when you've stopped living it....or something like that. Not that I have given up, but "the waiting game" in adoption is tough and if you occupy your days, hours and minutes with worrying or checking profiles and emails constantly, time will slow down to a slugs pace. I literally have "gone insane" during the wait.
In the spring of 2013, I had to step back and take a little mini vacation from our adoption journey. All my energy and attention was in our search for our next baby. I recall one time when I was curled up on my bed, trying to hide under the covers, from the world, from my life and even my children. Only to find myself pulling out the computer to check my emails, in hopes of a birthmother contact, then I went to our profile, skimming over the "statistics" page. How many views had we had that day, what pages did they visit, and how long were they on our profile? These actions consumed my days. My poor children were not getting the mother they deserved. As I set my computer down, in a moment of weakness and pure heartbreak because no one viewed the page that day, nor were there any emails from birthmoms. I started to bawl. Crocodile tears ran down my face and I heard my children playing in the next room. Its as if a lighting bolt struck and I thought, "I don't want my children to grow up thinking, 'all mom ever cared about was another baby, she didn't care about us'" This tore through my heart like a searing hot knife cutting a plastic bottle in half with ease. This was an wake up call moment for me. That night, I told my husband I needed a brake. I needed time away from adoption. My kids needed and deserved their mother and her love and attention. They are growing up fast and I didn't want to miss another minute of this.
But was this finally it, were we finally finding our children to complete our family? The story goes on, another day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)